Love and Marriage...

Namastè!

I hope you're experiencing copious amounts thereof.

The thing on my mind tonight is love and marriage...love and marriage...go together like a horse and carriage. Cheesy, I know. But I adore Frank Sinatra, and I like to think Hubby Namastè and I are effecting that kind of timeless connection, one that inspires love songs and poetry.

...then I come down out of the clouds. *chuckle*

Love and marriage, believe it or not, are not mutually exclusive. You can absolutely love your mate, but not need to be married to them. You can be married to your mate (and actually stay married if you both choose) without actually loving them.

Hubby Namastè and I haven't done anything traditionally. From the "wedding" forward, we have simply done our own thing and forged a path that keeps us at peace, even if and when others have disagreed. (Oh, how people have disagreed--specifically with the lack of a big wedding. I'll get to that.)

I believe the reason we have withstood our gains, losses, and schedules is because more often than not, there is a ton of compromise in this house. Sometimes I bear the brunt of that compromise--I stay home with the kids. (I do work, but it is from home, and my schedule for anything outside the home revolves around the kids and dinner, period.) Other times, he does--my work requires many post office runs, many deliverymen waking him from his slumber to deliver this package or that, and many events and dinners that he would probably prefer to skip but in support of me, he attends.

In addition to compromise, we work hard to keep the United front alive. We may disagree, but when it's us versus anyone else, we are as together as it gets. I disagree passionately with him, and sometimes I can't even understand his point of view, but I will not go against him. Nope. I may say my piece in private, but no one would ever know. We don't leave space for interference, because that leaves space for a wedge. We have been through some huge storms, but as they say, a house divided cannot stand. Even as our literal house burned to the ground, we managed to stick together and our proverbial house stood taller than ever.

Solid? Yes. But the wedding...oy.

The biggest decision about marriage, other than the obvious (getting engaged), is a wedding. Most girls want the fairy tale with the big dress and the long train, and the giant confectioner's dream of a cake for the guests to devour after the picture perfect vows.

I was not that girl.

When I was a single woman, I had one rule about engagements. "Don't ask me to marry you, if you are not ready to go right then to the courthouse and get it done." Hubby Namastè took that to heart. He texted me from work that day, and asked had I gotten my hair done yet. I had.

"Good, it is your wedding day!"

We went to the courthouse around noon. License, vows, done. Then we had Chick-fil-A! (My vegetarian, never-touched-chicken-in-his-life darling, went to Chick-fil-A wih me. He had his fries and lemonade, and I had my regular. And it was the cutest, sweetest thing ever.) It was seriously a very sweet day, although it did ruffle some feathers. We didn't have a ton of people--actually, we didn't take anyone. We just went, took care of business, and went right back to enjoying our little life.

See, I never wanted a wedding per se--but I did want a marriage. I don't want to end up divorced or estranged (or just living together waiting for the other to die) so I was adamant we really plan a future. I didn't need a dress or saree that cost thousands, but we would need a bigger house. I didn't care for a horse and carriage or hundreds of guests, but I had not (at the time) been to New York. He was in agreement. So, we got our license and our "I dos" done, then went back to regularly scheduled programming. We agreed that the marriage was more important than the wedding.

We spent two weeks in the Big Apple (where I ate, shopped, and ate while shopping), then came back through Virginia. One of my life's dreams was to ride and pet an elephant.

It. Happened.

That has essentially always been our dynamic. I'm not that wife who always needs presents or extravagant gestures. In fact, I kind of shun them. (I am sort of shy, and I prefer to keep things simple.) While he has the more Bollywood outlook on life--big, colorful, and showy--I prefer the low-key style.

COM. PRO. MISE.

It all boils down to COMPROMISE. I don't and won't flinch if he gets a few days off and wants to travel to New York or if he wakes up one day and wants to just drive around. Even if it's not exactly what I want to do at the moment, I have learned to bend a bit. There are times when I want to watch chick flicks and he absolutely doesn't, but he will sit there and let me fall asleep on him. (Always happens, never fails.)

We aren't perfect by far. There are times when we disagree quite strongly, times when there is no middle ground. In those moments I am learning to step back. Will this disagreement matter in 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks? Will I remember why I am so mad in 5 years? If it is a deal breaker, I am learning to voice that without being a royal dill. (And believe me--I can be a royal dill. I'm not proud, but I'm a work in progress and part of that work is acknowledging that there is work to do!)

It's all a learning process. From the moment you feel those first sparks to the first date to that bended knee...you are learning. You are learning their temper, their fears, their ambitions, and their shortcomings. You are learning what makes them great, and you are learning how you can effect even more greatness. You also have to learn to give and take--if it feels like more give than take, you're probably doing it right. (We rarely notice the take so much as we notice the give--after all, the give is what feels difficult.)

We chose to have a marriage. The wedding? Eeh, one day maybe. I don't need it, although he has offered a million times. I have what I needed, and the people who were offended at not being invited for a wedding have either gitten over it or gone away. We are low-key, but we are solid. We make wonderful moves, we bring out the best in each other, and we're pretty successful.

Love and marriage are pretty sweet around these parts, but it was not easily won.

Namastè!

-- Tayè K. ♡