Namastè!
I hope you're experiencing copious amounts thereof this morning. I have something to share so I'm up with my poofy hair and chai, clicking away while listening to the sweet sounds of my sleeping littlest Namastè.
Mommy'ing is some hard work, y'all.
I've said that often, and it's yet to be untrue.
Sometimes we as moms need a time out. We need to unplug, unwind, and log out. In this case, I'm talking about social media. I am a blossoming social media presence myself, but I see how it can be addicting--the likes, the popularity, the validation for simply being in that space at that moment with that opinion. For moms without other interaction, it can be irresistible.
Note: I'm a blogger, not any type of expert. As a blogger, I count on social media to bolster my blog and help reach new readers. Don't take this as a stab at social media itself, because that is not my point. I won't dare say "Don't use the social media!" I don't know your situation, so I'm not here to judge. This is a general observation. (I wouldn't even give such disclaimer but someone always lurks in the shadows, waiting to take an opinion piece the wrong way.)
Beyond becoming irresistible lies addiction. Mom absolutely needs to log in. She becomes dependent on the attention and validation there in cyberspace.
I found the following to be true of moms--people in general, but especially moms, as we tend to be fairly more active online instead of venturing out with tiny newborns or toddlers. The interaction we get is valuable but it can be problematic. Let's jump right in. Notice all these statements begin with WE. ("You" statements are accusatory. "WE" statements suggest unity--there's little separating us moms in my eyes.)
1. We depend too much on the Internet for seeking "MOMpanionship."
I often say "mommy'ing is some hard work" but it is also at times some lonely work! Babies don't offer much in the way of interaction for the first few months. For moms who work inside the home that desire to have adult camaraderie can be downright stifling. (Let's be real--"stay at home" simply means you've traded your paycheck and/or uniform for a messy bun and yoga pants. You gave up the annoying coworkers and hourly wages--but you took on a neverending workload and you no longer have a guaranteed lunch buddy.) Your baby takes up the sweetest amount of time, but you still need a buddy--a MOMPANION!--to share the milestones, hits, and misses of your day. Why go out when you can log into any of thousands of social media sites and carve out your tribe!
But then we don't look for those same connections in the offline world...
2. We become obsessed with taking photos--to post online.
Every mommy loves taking pictures of her little loves. It's how we freeze the sweetest moments in time. Alas, we sometimes become dependent on the approval those pictures bring. "What a cute baby!" "Oh look at that outfit, s/he should model!" "Look at those eyes!" It's all harmless until it somehow becomes, not harmless. Sometimes moms use those validations and affirmations about her kids' cuteness to fill a void in her own heart, and that's decidedly harmful for all involved. When the pictures are no longer about CAPTURING moments and move toward staging them, it becomes obvious the point is to please ego rather than audience.
3. We become tense/angry/anxious about the goings on in social media--as much as or more so than the things happening around us.
Social media is a wonderful little mashup of different cultures, opinions, and personalities. As such, we're bound to encounter one or two whom we don't mesh with or cannot necessarily befriend. Normal. What is NOT normal, is when we begin to feel tension, anger, and anxiety about the situations arising within these groups and applications. It is simply not healthy to tie so much energy to people we will likely never see or know beyond a screen name and what they choose to portray online.
4. Every conversation spins back to something we read or looked at online.
Perfect example--aside from reading my blog and occasionally helping with the management of my Facebook page, my husband is not into social media at all. As such, I would feel goofy filling his ears about this status or that poll. He doesn't relate to those things. When a person is obsessed or overly consumed with a thing or notion, it permeates their entire life. Social media should not do that. Mark Zuckerberg owns Facebook and probably isn't as wrapped up in it as some. Just keep in mind--grandma doesn't want to watch your viral video, and grandpa probably isn't interested in a rundown of your Twitter feed.
5. Ego. Period.
It's no secret that we all want to be liked. It's no secret that some of us simply, are! In the online world there is no shortage of celebrities and Web sensations. Going viral is a real goal for some! That's fine, because with that popularity can come a plethora of opportunities. (I can personally attest to this--as my media kit grows, so too does the list of companies who want me to use, review, or represent their offerings!)
Unfortunately that validation, that pat on the head for being good enough, can feed the ego. We get so caught up in the "celebrity" status that we forget, it's usually only online. Another example--my little blog is very well known in Georgia and among the members of Mamastè, but that "fame" doesn't translate to the level of notoriety where I sign autographs and dodge paparazzi. Ego says, BRAG ABOUT THE PERKS. Humility whispers, share them.
6. We develop an alter ego for social media to avoid being ourselves.
This one is a biggie. Social media is often an escape of sorts. We can log in and be whoever or whatever we want. Insecure, mousy types become bold and brazen. The mom who has no friends offline leads a massive clique. And in EVERY setting we have the self-appointed gurus. That's a normal mix, hence me saying "in EVERY setting." The issue here comes into play when a mom recreates herself to represent a completely different person--she creates a different name, life, and situation to escape what's really happening (or not happening). Preferring to remain positive is one thing, but lying to people is entirely different and not at all acceptable.
7. We enjoy the attention so much, we become that overshare girl.
We all know her. We know when she last had her nails done. We know when she goes to the stores. We know when she last had sex. We're not at all stalking her, because we would not need to--she's shared and posted everything from lab reports to every emotion she's ever felt. She'll demand respect and that we don't pass judgment, but the damage will be done. She'll defend her extreme openness by saying she wants to help, to make sure other moms know they aren't alone.
There's nothing at all wrong with being an open book. It's particularly noble to share ones story to help brighten the path for others. However, we moms should consider ourselves a cut above certain things. It'd be considered crass for a man to trumpet his sex life online. Within certain forums, certain things are more acceptable, but to just freely spew the most intimate details us just a no go and very tacky in my humble opinion.
8. Even our families become fodder for the old thumbs ups.
I am one who does not post much publicly about my family, but I'm also one who understands the appeal of being relatable. (As a blogger, I do like to give you a glimpse into my world, even if just a small one! It makes what I have to say more real.)
What shouldn't occur is, the minutiae of their daily lives being trumpeted about to perfect strangers, opening them to judgments and/or criticisms they likely don't even know about. As you may know, Princess Namastè is 10 and Darling Namastè (who prefers little to no mention, anywhere, ever--period!) is 12. At their ages, they are not particularly into being fodder for my blog. They don't want "the whole world" to know about their triumphs or their shortcomings. I respect and understand this because I know they're at that point in life of figuring out who they are. While I would never share anything negative, I also have to temper my desire to brag on their achievements. My children are shy--they are just plain bashful. They don't want the world (shouts out to them for thinking the whole world reads their mama's blog!) peeking into their lives or labeling them by how I describe them. If I bragged about them, people would expect them to be perfect angels always. If I only spoke of their problems and misbehavior (assuming there is any) they'd be deemed bad children. That's not fair to them.
9. We cannot unplug.
It is delightful to log in and find messages, comments, and reactions to our posts. It means people cared what we had to say, or at the very least that we were noticed. That's all we are here for--companionship begins with common ground after all. However when that need to check notifications morphs into an inability to unplug and step away, there's an unhealthy situation in effect. We find ourselves attending to the beeps and buzzes of our devices as quickly as we do our children's cries. The thought of logging off or unplugging for a bit is just not palatable.
10. We threaten to leave websites and groups because we want the rush of having others tell us to stay.
When we need constant reassurance, it can become a heavy load for the ones providing that reassurance. (Note: There is NOTHING wrong with needing comfort or camaraderie. Humans are wired that way. No need to get sancti!) Many times we'll withdraw at times but come back around when we feel up to the task of socializing again. However a key marker for one who is too consumed with social media is the old "I will leave!!" tactic. They announce withdrawal from a scene. Their friends rally around so they will reconsider. (Although there is no reconsidering to be done. Even if they log out for a few days or weeks, they WILL return. Period.)
Taking a break is fine! But it's almost bullying when your browbeat others into feeding your need for pity. Besides, respect goes much further than pity. (Personally I would shrink away in shame if people felt pity over me, because pity is NOT positive. It is NOT love. It is simply, "poor you. Let me be nice and gentle so you feel better.") Pity EXPIRES. Respect generally does not.
So...there are the ten reasons I think some moms need a timeout. Unplug, go outside, do something outside your comfort zone. Do something for someone else and don't tell a soul.
In everything there must be balance.
Until next time!
Namastè!
-- Tayè K. ♡
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