Anxiety: My Plus One

Namastè!

Ugh. Been a busy time of many changes at Castle Namastè--a new Castle, a new business, and a new city.

Generally I love new scenes! I am not the most social person in the room, but I do enjoy people-watching. I'm not afraid of new places or new experiences, so what happened a little while back was a huge shocker.

About two weeks ago, I had the scariest, most physically draining episode in all my 33 years. I couldn't breathe. My mouth was dry but my palms were soaked. My chest was tight. I felt like I was paralyzed. I could hear my heart thumping in my chest, amplified as if I were a stereo. And that tightness I mentioned? Felt like I was having a heart attack because it also hurt. My head was pounding.

...I pretty much decided that was it. I was gonna die right there in my new front door.

When I arrived at the ER, they did all the usual stuff--heart monitor, CT scan, MRI--to rule out stroke and heart attack. By this point I was even more undone and shaking like a leaf. They gave me oxygen so I could breathe a little easier, as I was near hyperventilating.

After all the scans and tests came back, and I'd slept off some of that awful medication, the nurses came in again.

"You just had a heavy panic attack. Have you been diagnosed with anxiety?"

No. Not til then, anyway. Apparently I am a textbook case--I'm overworked,  under a lot of stress, and dealing with a ton of pressure to be good and/or perfect. (The pressure comes from me, which makes it worse. It's very difficult to turn off ones own voice, and my voice ALWAYS says, "You can do that better!" or "You can work a little more, don't quit now.")

It isn't all that surprising. I've been on "go" for months now, with minimal breaks. Every day is a zero to sixty in 2 seconds type deal, and between my work and my responsibilities to my family, I'm only surprised I didn't recognize it myself.

See, anxiety doesn't always look like hyperventilating and marked nervousness. It isn't always tears and shaking. It isn't always paranoia about situations.

In my case it's a drive to be perfect. My business is and has Ben thriving for years now. But suddenly I'm even more a workaholic than ever before. I am.never satisfied with my output. I always expect more or better. Except sometimes, there isn't more or better. At which point I keep going anyway. I feel like I have to constantly prove myself.

Unhealthy and irrational.

That's how powerful our minds are.

I shared this, not for applause (I don't believe in martyring myself to be a good mom, not do I advocate such) BUT to remind you all to take care of yourselves first!

I haven't been doing that the past few months. I have literally taken care of everyone and everything else, and kinda put myself on the back burner til later. Unfortunately I ignored this rule. In the midst of the depression I've been dealing with (losing my grandma has really taken a toll--I have not coped well most days), I worked myself into a frenzy of anxiety as well.

Don't do that. Make sure you're giving yourself an outlet. Make sure you're giving yourself permission to NOT be perfect. Make sure the enemy voice isn't YOURS.

Now...because there's definitely a bit of repairing to do with my spirits, I'm off to paint rocks. I now take Mondays off

Namastè!

-- Tayè K. ♡