*cues the late great Aretha Franklin*
Respect is a huge topic. With regard to raising little ones, it's possibly divisive as well. Many argue that recent generations have no respect, are entitled, etc. (I definitely see this--remember, I'm 34! While the body still bangs and the melanin still pops, I'm still a fair bit older [and thankfully a lotta bit wiser] than I appear.)
But before we can even teach respect, we have to break down what it is we're really instilling. See, it goes a lot deeper than "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am." And it doesn't equal total, blind compliance with whatever they're told.
Today's culture is a hypersensitive mess. People are inclined more toward pity, coddling, and participation points than anything substantial, and it's down to a lack of respect. Words like shame, trigger, and bully get tossed around too freely now. In a culture that promotes excess, nudity, and ignorance, society has basically become a rave at which the more practical, modest, intelligent are not welcome. If you're willing to show enough skin, be outlandish enough, or pretend your thought chamber is empty enough, you'll make it BIG, right?
Depends on what you're willing to concede.
We don't want our kids to concede their respect--that from others but most importantly and specifically, that which they have been raised to have for and within themselves--so we have to work at it daily. We've got a boy and two girls, and respect is a coin we constantly press both sides of to make sure they don't just get it, but embosom it, believe it, and keep it.
In our house, we don't subscribe to what's popping outside. The stuff we can't shield them from--what we call the microwave society--is not swept away, but instead counteracted with what we call the home cooking. The home cooking has three elements, which combine and overlap in a brew called RESPECT. The "magic" elements are: consent, assertiveness, and awareness.
I don't have to tell you what a big deal consent is, especially in the current climate. We must inculcate the principle of autonomy and the idea that consent about their bodies and personal space is theirs to give and/or rescind at any time without consequence or repercussion to them. They don't have to give hugs. If something belongs to them, they aren't required to share it. If they say NO, whatever they are refusing (within reason obviously--health, safety, and hygiene aren't negotiable) must and WILL stop. They don't have to go with anyone they aren't comfortable with, and in the event they are out on a social call and request to come home or be picked up, Dad and I do not hesititate. They are being taught that their boundaries are to be respected--and also that they must extend this same diligence to others.
Assertiveness is my favorite. See, I was a very shy child. I didn't make much fuss and I generally went along with whatever was happening because I didn't like to make waves. I'm raising my kids to be the exact inverse of that. They are to speak up. If they aren't content, they can let us know. They can say NO without being punished, even (or perhaps especially?) to adults. They have/are developing the confidence to assert their stances and advocate for their own interests. They are not allowed to be little Barbarians, but we definitely do not encourage pushover behavior. They aren't allowed to go along to get along. They won't be the next participants in generation Boot Lick. Because they are being equipped now to deal with others in a productive manner, I might not have to die of embarrassment from them resorting to name-calling instead (I would seriously, almost literally pass away if one of inexpensive ever uttered or typed SNOWFLAKE) of stating confirmed facts and moving along. One can, and does, hope.
Lastly, the kids have to be aware. They need to be educated on their rights and fully ready to exercise them. Too many times we think respectful kids just go along with the program. We don't like for them to disagree or buck the establishment so to speak. So we punish or chide them into compliance. A child who is respectful does not necessarily equal a child who just goes along. Personally I think that "go along, do exactly as told without question, EVER" is brainwashing at best, abuse at worst.
...so no, I haven't raised my kids to be that way.
When kids have a good grasp of how consent, assertiveness, and awareness work, they are also generally respectful. How?
Because when they know and understand how to properly apply these qualities for themselves, they can't help but simultaneously apply them for others! My kids won't likely be bashing around like a bull I'm a china shop where another kid is concerned, because they won't equate that as "how things go."
Again, one can (and does) hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment