Toxic Masculinity

May I take a moment to express a thing that bothers me lately?

I'm not really one to be bugged by people, as I've never had a problem sending them on their merry way.

As you very well know, my little guy, my Bop-Bop, my Bud, is almost 3. (Time,  you can slow down any minute...getting out of hand here with the birthdays, sheesh.) But before I digress and start crying because my little boy is getting so big...

He's the best little boy in the world, full of wonder and surprises and noise...and dirt. I really dig his little personality. He's strong, he's swift, and he's really carving out his own niche. (He's outbumbered--there are more girls in our house now, thanks to our tiebreaker Miss Tiger Lily.)

He's also the perfect mix of big boy and snuggle booplesnoot.

While I haven't steered him toward any particular interest set, he loves his cars and Mickey. He likes watching the school buses in the mornings. He enjoys a good dirt fest with his Tonka trucks. Also, it's a good thing I'm not particularly afraid of critters because he loves bringing me different bugs and things to identify when we're outside. (It's perhaps a better thing that I'm willing to chase said critters for a pic or two, because if he can't get to them, he expects me to!)

On the other hand, he loves to snuggle and read a story or ten. He likes being in the kitchen. He enjoys a good yoga sesh, although he's only just learning poses besides downward dog. And he is an emerging empath--if he senses sadness or pain in any of us, he feels it too and will cry of his hugs and sugars don't help.

He's everything I dreamed a son would be. I wouldn't change a thing, even that hot little temper he's got.

But what irks me badly is, when an adult tries to foist their views of masculinity and/or what a kid should be like...

...on a kid who doesn't flipping belong to them!!!

I have this discussion a lot with a member of our circle. He isn't some hard ass dude himself, actually, which confuses me a LOT. (He isn't "girly," but he is a far cry from tough, and he's a good bit more sensitive than most men.) He has a difficult time NOT telling my boyo to not cry, and he seems to forget that the kid is a person entitled to the same feelings he himself has.

Needless to say it pisses my grits.

One, he doesn't have any biological kids, so while it's for the most part appreciated, his input and opinions--along with those of anyone besides me, hubby, and kid in question--simply do not matter.

Two, he's not necessarily the example for the behavior he seems to expect. He doesn't just accept what people say, he expresses his stuff whether anyone wants to hear it or not, and he doesn't embody a lot of the traits the average man holds dear. (As a woman, I can't judge--I only know what makes a woman, and even that varies by lifestyle and experience. I've only lived my own story so who am I to dictate?!)

That's not a jab or trash talk at him, just an example. Because of how he was raised, that's the masculinity he thinks is correct. Even though he himself doesn't display the traits, he feels that he can impress them upon the male kids he's around.

He's a great dude but misguided.

There's no space for toxic masculinity here.

1. Boys can cry.

2. Boys can express their feelings.

3. Boys do NOT have to automatically be rough and tumble, dirt and rumble.

4. Boys do NOT have to conform to some archaic model of masculinity.

5. Boys are HUMAN, FIRST. Quit projecting your own insecurities about your masculinity,  or lack thereof, on kids who are barely old enough to know. They're not puppets.

I'm not a gender neutral parent by a long shot. I jist know my limitations. As a woman, I know I can't really direct my son in the ways of dudeness. I'm cool with that. My primary job is not to project what I think a man does, but to raise a decent human. I know exactly what decent humans do, from personal application!

He's got his dad for that dudeness.

His dad totally rocks that shit, too. He's a hard-working, strong, honest, fair person. He believes in earning his way. He doesn't wait for an opportunity--he creates them. While we have definitely had our share of struggles, he's never voluntatily left me to the dogs or watched me fumble through a problem.

THAT'S the kind of masculinity I want to embosom to my son. I hope he always creates his own way, and I hope he is never too timid, too stubborn, or too lazy to realize that won't be easy. I hope he has the perseverance to get it on his feet versus live on his knees.

*sighs*

Right now, he's navigating the seas of toddlerhood as he approaches preschooler-dom. That's enough for his little Mickey plate, for now. He's got his whole life to define what kind of man he's gonna be. I just declare it's a good one, that he'll be more than a talker--after all, it's the walkers who run, and change, the world. Not the ones who merely have opinions about it.

Being a man is a lot more than thunderous voices and muscles. There's no manual for it. Even with my hopes and dreams, and Dad's guidance, Bop-Bop will have to sail those seas for himself.

As a woman I still adamantly affirm that I can't say what makes a man. I can just avoid what I know makes a toxic one. I can keep those at bay, because children emulate what they see, NOT what they hear.

Adults do as well, whether we own it or not. Why else do people still need to look at the GPS screen when the directions are audible?!