Cutting Ties

Usually I do NOT get into my biological family dynamic on this blog because honey...

It. Is. A.

MESS!

As you may or may not know, I just celebrated my 36th Taye-Day!!!

As always, Hubby dd his thing and it was a wonderful, peaceful day. I got what I wanted to eat, got some time to just rest, and got some time with my little family.

Now...I've been on a journey to kinda heal some stuff that has troubled me since early adulthood.

Mainly the lack of relationship with my biological family. I literally have nieces and nephews I haven't met, and siblings I would not mind building a bond with. I grew up with cousins and all that, and because my in-laws are scattered between here (US), Sri Lanka, and India, I had been really wanting to bridge the gap. I have connected to my roots, but I wanted to connect my kids as well IF it could be a positive experience.

Before I get into the sucker punch, allow me to clarify just how many of us there are--I have 8 siblings CONFIRMED. Three nephews and two nieces whom I have actually met. (Sweet, adorable kids!) I am unsure of how many more there are--this is just what I can confirm because I physically saw them and interacted with them at my grandmother's homegoing service in 2017.

My mother has a total of 4 siblings. They each have kids. (Don't have an exact count.)

The numbers are relevant...stay with me.

On January 25th my cousins planned a glorious birthday event.

EVERYONE was invited and a great majority attended.

I was not told.

The sucker punch?

Each of these humans knew about this event. The children as well as the adults. While I have not physically been in their presence since 2017, I have maintained at least a monthly phone call. Each of which ends with, we have to get together. Family should be closer. Blah effing blah.

DO you know how it feels to realize the very people who are ALWAYS asking for your presence and asking to see you, literally planned an entire event and only invited you up the day AFTER?!

I can't even get ONE OF my kids to keep a secret for ten minutes. How the heck did they, who can't even agree on a shirt color for a family reunion, all manage to come together to hate and exclude me??? What the actual...

The amount of outright disdain involved to make sure I was not there is baffling. They didn't forget--it was freaking intentional. And I was meant to find out.

I didn't realize they felt so strongly about not being around me, or having me be a part of anything for them. My silly ass was thinking we would get closer. *face palm*

...and that was the final straw. So...all that work I did on myself, trying to identify my own flaws and trying to make sure the problem wasn't me?

I won't say it was a waste because I communicate so much more effectively now. I still accommodate others but I'm not too timid to step up and get what I need as well. I no longer have an inability to not internalize criticism. I no longer fear being with my own thoughts.

I grew. Painfully and beautifully.

I've come to terms with what is, regarding them.

They are NOT on the Taye Train. And that is fine. It doesn't make this train any less worthy or any less important. It doesn't stop this train.

Most importantly I know now that it is fine to set people free. I don't have to have a relationship with them to wish the best for them and want them to be happy. Nor do I have to set myself on fire to keep them warm. I'm fine over here basking in what I love and who loves me, just as they are over there with theirs.

It was a sucker punch. Can't say I'm fully over it because it was literally like a week ago. I had a massive outbreak of hives from the sheer insult, the boldness of it all. And that's how I knew it was time for cutting ties.