Namastè!
As the holidays approach, so too do the droves of family and friends, near and distant. Your kids are likely as gorgeous as mine, and everyone wants to hug and kiss them and tell them how big they've gotten! It's a big hug fest at the door, and everyone is covered in smooches.
That's all good and well--but here in Casa Namastè, we practice a principle called body autonomy. My children don't have to participate in that hug and kiss fest unless they expressly want to, and they face no repercussion for deciding to forgo it.
See, our children are required to be respectful. They have to greet our guests, and they have to use their table manners. Yes ma'am, no sir, all those gems. However, regardless of who you are...
They do not have to hug you.
They do not have to kiss you.
They do not have to let you touch them, period.
They will never be punished for their refusal--period.
While they are our children, and we do exercise absolute parental control over them as needed, their bodies are theirs alone.
If that seems like a hippie concept, look at it this way. If Susie does not want to hug say, Uncle Moe, but she is forced to hug him anyway, she internalizes the notion that she does not have a voice in what happens to her body. This isn't insinuating that Uncle Moe is any less than the salt of the earth, mind you.
But we are talking about Susie. Susie knows Uncle Moe loves her. Perhaps she was just feeling out of sorts that day, and didn't want a hug from anyone. Maybe she just wanted her mommy or daddy only, as children are keen to do sometimes. Now Susie thinks that her "NO" is invalid, maybe even bad. She has to hug Uncle Moe or she's a bad girl. She wants only to be a good girl--so she grudgingly hugs her uncle.
Fast forward to high school. Susie does not want to kiss Paul. However, her security is skewed because she's always done as she's told regarding who she hugs, kisses, or shows affection toward. Saying "no" has been imprinted as all bad. Subconsciously Susie thinks she isn't allowed to say NO. So she doesn't. As dirty and violated, or uncomfortable and unhappy, as these situations make her, she is unable to find her voice...
...because she was denied by autonomy early on and does not think she deserves it.
That may appear an extreme case, but it can and does happen. (Susie is fictional, but please let her impact you.)
This is why my children don't have to hug anyone. They know they can say NO, and they know if their NO isn't respected, Mama and Papa Bears Namastè will come out swinging.
We don't mess around with our little ones' safety one bit. We also don't neglect teaching them about the world. Unfortunately that includes some unpleasant talks about things we wish did not exist in the same world our children inhabit. They must be prepared to net this world on its terms, because it won't buffer for them.
They are to be respectful, but they are not doormats. Assertive.
This is part of why I always cringe at parents who insist on "owning" their children versus parenting them. Ear piercings, attire featuring snarky phrases the kids can neither read nor understand--nor would they be allowed to day I'd they could talk!!!--just scream, OWNERSHIP. These things are cute for social media likes and bragging rights among moms on the playground, but the message is clear: You are my doll and will do with you what I please.
Note: There's no need to defend your parenting choices to me, as I don't walk your mile. My opinion may not be your truth.
Except, this isn't a doll. This baby or child is a little person who depends on you to help shape their ideas about life and their place in the world. See, dolls don't have a place in the world. We dress them up or down, play with them until we are bored, and then put them away til next time. They have no voice--we give them their exact thoughts, words, scenarios. Zero autonomy.
A kid cannot thrive like that. They need more, and we as adults must provide it.
The point I'm trying to make here is, it is healthy and encouraged to allow children age-appropriate sovereignty over their bodies. For us that means they get to decide who they hug and when. Aside from medical examinations, they have express authority to say, "Don't touch me." They are allowed WITHOUT REPERCUSSION to say, "No thank you" when someone requests physical contact they don't want. I would never dream of punishing them for that, and I am building a trust rapport now that ensures they will be comfortable telling me if their wishes in this regard were ever disregarded. I won't question them as to why--but I would definitely question YOU for being upset about being told no. That's unsettling to me, and I am unapologetic about it.
Listen and respect it when my kid, or ANY kid, says "no thanks" to your hug. Don't pout, don't make small of their feelings, and for the love of all that is right and pure, don't force them. Respect this small bit of authority.
It lays the foundation for so much more, later.
Namastè!
-- Tayè K. ♡
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