Every Drop

No, it's not one of "those" posts.

I'm not gonna tell you to pump, because that's your choice. Most moms who exclusively breastfeed will NOT actually NEED to pump anyway.

What I am gonna tell you, is how this tedious chore (a necessity for me) became a saving grace of sorts.

When I pumped for my son, it actually started out as a way to relieve a forceful letdown. Nothing more, nothing less. With Tiger Lily, the pumping became a grounding technique.

Grounding is a really good reconnection technique for anxiety. Anxiety takes sufferers out of their bodies and sends them into fight or flight. Grounding techniques usually involves focusing on something so you can reconnect to the present moment.

After a super terse pregnancy and a painful delivery, I had to let myself grieve the experience I didn't get. I wanted a peaceful pregnancy, but hyperemesis stole that. I wanted a smooth delivery, but my little lady rode in on a cloud of pain.

The silver lining was my midwife, along with my doula and my best friend the IBCLC. My midwife couldn't change the trajectory of our delivery, but she and my doula made me feel so supported. (I ultimately decided that unless medically necessary, my OB could not be in the delivery room, and it's the best choice I ever made.) When they laid Tiger Lily on my chest and she began nursing, it was the craziest feeling.

Finally. Something I could count on, something that wouldn't change unless I let it.

Breastfeeding was always the only choice I considered for my babies. I find it relaxing. In those moments I'm providing everything they need. Regardless of technology, baby gear trends, or mommy style fads, the perfection of that milk never changes. While I might question or hesitate at any other frontier of parenting, breastfeeding has been one area I always knew was for me. Because I knew it was for me, it was easier to commit to it for her!

Anxiety and PTSD are funny. Not haha funny--not by a long shot. I panicked a lot with my little Lily. I worried about her sleep in particular; I could never just be content that she was sleeping. Maybe because she slept so much! The girl STILL clocks around 12 hours a day. She's my sleepy bug.

But anyway...

She started sleeping those 5-hour stretches when she was just three weeks old. I was jarred by that. We cosleep, so she's never had to fully wake to nurse. She literally latches and takes her milk while still practically sleeping, and she isn't bothered if I change her diaper during these semi-wakings. She never was.

The longer sleeps meant I had to wake myself up to pump, or more accurately, my b'reservoirs would wake me up.

Late nights and early mornings are the worst for me, anxiety wise. I'm alone, awake, and awash with racing thoughts. With the kids asleep, and hubby either sleeping or at work, there's nothing to distract me from well, me.

Anxiety isn't always the dramatic panics you see on TV. It's insomnia. It's racing thoughts. It's a tight chest. It's sadness out of nowhere. It's questioning every choice you've made the last twenty years.

...and then there's my grounding technique--white noise.

My pump makes a sort of white noise.

The best pump advice usually involves zoning out and detaching yourself from the pumping process. You know, not focusing on the pump or its sound, because that would lead to hawk-eyeing those bottles and worrying about how much milk is in them.

But that is the opposite of what works for me.

I listen to the pump humming or thumping. (My Spectra sounds like it's humming; my Sonata sounds like a baby's heartbeat!) I see the bottles but don't focus on them. The milk falling into them sounds like fast rain drops. I use tall bottles at night, so the drops sound more pronounced at the beginning and a bit less as the bottle is filled. I can discern when I need to switch them out by sound alone, but I keep my Lactalite clippiesbecause the blue light setting is so cute and soothing.

Pumping itself is just a chore--but for me, it's one that never changes. I clean my kit, set up, and pump. Then afterward, I track and store that milk, clean my kit, and put everything in my basket for the next round. The repetition, the routine of doing this the same way every time, whether day or night, home or away, is calming. No matter what is happening, I know I must move that milk. My baby must have her nourishment, her baths. I must stick to this.

While I do not enjoy pumping, I do greatly enjoy seeing my stash build. I do enjoy those kissable rolls my sweet girl sports. I do enjoy having her perfect food, the one thing she readily and happily accepts always, available to her even if I am not the one feeding her.

Perhaps selfishly, I do very much enjoy the soothing routine that providing that perfect food has become.

So when I pump, it's my grounding technique, and every drop of milk is like peace. I fill those bags and bottles, and I fill my own spirit.

No, I don't expect it to be the second for anyone else. I just thought I'd share my perspective. I'm often asked why I pump, aside from oversupply.

This is it.

This is the reason.

It's peace.

Every drop.