Namastè!
Hi and happy Thursday!
I'm up. Rearranging my thoughts and writing. There will be a namasBOOK, but I'm not sure when and I'm still deciding what direction I'd like to take with it. I love to write, but I don't force it. When it begins to feel like too much work, I can't be at peace with it. For me, the process (from mind to paper to blog) must be completely organic--unfussy, unfettered, and unfiltered. Writing is my gift, but also my love labor. I can't rock with it unless it is good for my soul.
...just as my relationships must be, also.
If you are with my on any social media networks, you know I am all about healthy, positive relationships. I'm all about growth, loyalty, and honor reciprocated between partners. I'm all about humans progressing together in unabusive, supportive, genuinely loving unions.
Note: I didn't say perfect. My husband rocks my entire world but that doesn't mean we don't disagree, get angry, or even question our path at times.
Love doesn't always look like a perfect snapshot. In fact, I joke that ours is slightly off-center, a lovely image that's a wee bit blurry in some spots and overly sharp at others. A wonderful depiction over all, but as it's been shot by amateurs, it needs little tweaks and a bit of fine-tuning to be it's best. As we adjust and fix each component, we must balance it with the other components. The image won't be perfect, but as we balance levels and recalibrate our instruments and tools to effect our personal best. Not perfect to others' eyes but a healthy, solid union.
I'm all about cultivating that smile-when-I-text-you love, that et's-bask-in-this-Namastè groove, that grow-old-and-wise together kind of vibe.
I'm not about people staying where they are tolerated versus loved and appreciated. I'm not about carving out an existence within society's confines of what's acceptable and what's not.
The hallmark of people in negative situations, the ones running up against that brick wall of Heck Nope every day, is that they will carve into that brick wall all the reasons people aren't as happy as they seem. They'll justify their negative diatribes and unproductive ranting (staggering numbers of humans go online specifically because they can spill the dismal inner workings of their chosen relationships) by throwing shots at those happy couples, or even happy singles, who have forged their own particular paths.
These unhappy people have settled for being tolerated versus being loves and appreciated. They know they should be in better, healthier, more solid situations--but comfort, familiarity, and social security stop them short of walking away. They know they desire more and better. They crave it. They dream of the possibilities! It becomes almlst a fantasy. But fantasies are notoriously difficult to realize. The most common defense for humans staying in unhealthy situations is,
"It's easier said than done."
Most things are.
The comfort of not being alone is a huge anchor for us all, in both good and bad relationships. We aren't islands. We are designed to seek and nurture relationships, both romantic and platonic, both amatory and familial. That comfort is rooted in familiarity. We like what we know. Uncertainty is unsettling. Even if Susie knows Joe is cheating, he is still her familiar spot--she knows his mannerisms, his thoughts, and his inclinations. With comfort and familiarity come social security. No, not the money kind. Our mates help create within us a sense of being socially secure--while the situation may be downright tragic, it looks better in the mighty society for the kids to have two parents, the family to have two contributing leads (income is important for a family undoubtedly, but so is childcare and household management). It is more acceptable somehow to be in a crappy relationship than be single.
Note: This is not a jab at single parents. Don't read into this, something I didn't write. I wrote, "more acceptable somehow," meaning society often seems to prefer a dysfunctional two-parent household to a single-parent household. I never wrote that I agree--because I don't!
...this is why I believe people are able to forget a twisted sense of contentment even in the most dismal, dysfunctional, unhealthy unions. The dread of being alone makes an abusive, one-sided, emotionally-damaging union all the more appealing.
It's a bad cycle, one we unknowingly pass on to our children.
Yep. The kids get it too. They see mom and dad constantly fighting with one another instead of for one another, and they internalize it as normal.
Don't believe me?
Ask any adult in an unhealthy relationship, or who has been in one, about their roots. Nine times out of ten they will reveal that their caregivers elected to endure the same dysfucntion. Naturally they couldn't pass on healthy coping tools, including but not limited to the strength to walk away, thus perpetuating a cycle.
As in love and of love as we are, Hubby Namastè and I have a realist's approach to love and life in general. We understand that we are the role models for Kids Namastè, period. So we make a concerted, genuine effort to not only show them how a loving union works but also the tools of conflict resolution that help preserve and fortify this loving union. They know Amma and Appa aren't perfect. They know we disagree and fail to work together as a team sometimes.
They also know that we make a conscious, real effort to sail this ship the right way. I won't leave him in the gallows and he won't abandon me at the helm. I won't dishonor him, nor will he dishonor me.
We don't always have it just right. (I know some mommy somewhere is itching to be all kinds of sancti. Sorry Debra, no cup for the thirsty this time.)
I don't have a magic recipe for healthy relationships. I don't know any particular elixir to soothe troubled relational seas. I only know that if something begins to feel forced or painful, you must work to alleviate it. Either go through it (and let it change you) or grow through it (and emerge having changed the thing that hurt you).
I don't necessarily believe it's easy work. After all, some of us are attempting to untangle years of knots. I know it isn't quite as easy as Sunday morning. It's work. It's worthy work, but it's still undeniably work.
I also know it's as hard or as easy as we make it. By that I mean, we can be our own biggest stepping stone OR our own biggest stumbling sont. We can make excuses and justifications, or we can make changes and strides. It is much simoler to use the "buts" and "becauses" but that doesn't change the "is" of the matter--something somewhere in the relationship is broken, and this thing won't fly right until it is fixed or replaced!!!
Knowing what needs to be effected can go one of two ways: We know the wall is there and continue to bang against it in attempts to feeble to topple it only hurting ourselves. OR! We find a way over, under, or through that sucker and emerge, slightly (or not so slightly) battered BUT victorious, on the other side.
Choose. The journey is as hard or as easy as we make it. Period.
Namastè!
-- Tayè K. ♡
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