Namastè!
In the past few months, I've been under an inconceivable amount of pressure. I generally handle things fairly well, but this time has been different. I'm having a hard time "bouncing back." I'm more tired, more irritable, more...fragile, I guess?...than previous shit storms.
I keep reminding myself it's all very temporary, and I'm making more effort to take care, better care, of myself while I try to save everyone else. I've committed to a regime of time and TLC for me, and I'm legit feeling more positive as the days go by.
I recognized I was heading for trouble after a series of incidents with a family member I was attempting to help. Long story short, she not only abused our good will (we allowed her to stay in our home) but our property as well. Material things are easily replaced but the damage she did to our relationship with her? There's no coming back from that. When you steal, lie, and destroy what's given to you, there is no law that will force those gifts to continue.
In the wake of that situation I sank further into my funk when we lost one grandmother. We knew she could possibly be imminent, but there is no real preparation for a loss of that magnitude. You could cut the air in this place with a knife. The sadness was that thick, practically tangible.
On the heels of that pain, we faced loss again this past week as our remaining grandmother suffered a stroke. She survived, but it has definitely scarred me. Of all the lashes and strikes I've taken in life, very little has left a bigger wound than the moment I got that phone call from my relatives saying they did not think she would make it this time; she was speaking her death and I needed to get there fast.
Admittedly I was scared to go. I needed to see her but I was terrified. Would she die while I was there? Would I make it in time? How could I keep up the big strong adult face when I felt more like a frightened child?
It didn't really help that everyone seemed to hinge everything about her recovery on my presence. (We are very close.) It all but killed me when they said she might be waiting on me to say goodbye.
...I literally contemplated waiting some days, so she would hold on.
The thoughts we entertain when we are grieving or hurting are not always logical.
I made it to her, and I spent 3 days with her. I am elated to report that, while she has a long, arduous journey ahead, she will recover. The effort she puts into therapy will determine her level of independence moving forward.
Just moving forward is music to my ears.
My current feel? I'm tired.
I haven't been sleeping well, and I haven't really been eating as I ought to.
Having recognized these small fails, I'm making a concerted effort to get myself together. I'm going to bed earlier. I'm cooking instead of eating out. (I generally don't do fast food--but when I'm in my moods it's easier to just grab something quick versus making my own food.) Anyone who knows me, knows that alone is a big red flag, because I rarely eat anything that's not organic, made from scratch, or both. Fast food rarely hits my palate...until I lose focus.
I've started back walking again, taking my little treks around the subdivision. I wish the weather would collect its marbles and be the spring I know it wants to be.
Big surprise therapy for me is driving! I recently got my new mom mobile, and I love love love that thing. I generally hate driving, but lately I find it all very soothing. Just to get in that car and go, no worries except keeping it gassed. It's the same feeling I get from crafting, but better somehow.
Now...I did all that rambling to say this: If you are feeling out of sorts, sadder than usual for longer than usual, and you can't seem to shake it--GET HELP. For me, that help lay in being honest about how overwhelmed I've been feeling. Making a plan to take some stress and responsibility off myself until I am more egg than potato.
When an egg is boiled, it becomes firmer. Even if the shell breaks, a boiled eggs rarely shatters when dropped from a normal height.
Potatoes, on the other hand, can be boiled down to absolute mush.
I am regaining egg status. I first had to admit that I was becoming a spud.
Namastè!
-- Tayè K. ♡
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