Namastè!
This will be a rapid-fire type morning! I am running on fumes, but I have a huge topic to tackle and it's been a few moons since we were here together on the blog.
Hyperemesis. Gravidarium.
Medically, hyperemesis gravidarium is defined as the most severe, often debilitating form of morning sickness an expecting mother can experience. It often leads to needing intravenous fluids and nutrition, and in the worst cases hospitalization--and that hospitalization can be for a night, a week, a trimester, or even the duration of said pregnancy.
...but I don't want to discuss the textbook terminology. I want to discuss how it makes a woman feel (like death warmed over) and what others can do (be understanding or be very very quiet) to kind of ease the path.
I've had hyperemesis gravidarium with every pregnancy. With Princess Namastè, my OB/GYN wasn't very well-versed, and I suffered immensely as a result. My doctor wasn't necessarily unkind or unconcerned, but lack of knowledge (and lack of desire to garner said knowledge) generally makes for a bumpy ride. Further complicating things, I was terrified of medication. I didn't want the potential effects to me or my princess, so I toughed it out.
...or so I thought. I ended up on bedrest, with an IV delivering the fluids and nutrition my little one and I needed.
Moving forward to carrying Baby Namastè, I knew more and was able to do more. I had a more modern medical team and I myself was better prepared, so I didn't balk at medication (although I was saddened that my magic elixir ended up NOT being the famous Diclegis--I'm allergic to it!) OR bedrest. I wasn't excited about either, but was and remain thankful for the wisdom to choose based on my needs and not society, and the ability to have those choices respected and carried out.
Alas, as well-informed and well-meaning as my circle could be, I still developed a certain disdain for discussing HG. Mainly because people never seem to know exactly what it is, how it feels, or what to say once those big words are looming over the conversation. As much as I love elephants, HG has been one who's sat in the middle of many a room and I didn't hug, pet, or even approach it. It's exhausting.
Things I wish people had understood and/or not said to me? Things I wish they hadn't done? Of course, I'll dish.
Note: This isn't a jaunt through the Snark Park, nor are we hopping on the Pity Train. I am legitimately sharing with you, what I wish people knew, that would make my journey (and many many other moms' journeys) with this complication a lot easier.
1. Please don't cite miscarriage statistics.
This should be standard for any discussion with an expectant mom. Honestly miscarriage risk begins at conception. Period. But when you take the initiative to throw that fact at a mother to be who is already dealing with HG on top of regular pregnancy discomforts, you deserve a Donkey Award.
2. Don't compare HG to typical morning sickness. Just. DON'T.
Typical morning sickness is awful, from what I've heard. I don't discredit it because I've never experienced it. I just imagine it to be a two-headed dragon who shits on a mom's day for sport. However, I know HG to be a hydra--a seven-headed hellbeast who shits on a mom's entire life just because it might be Wednesday at 4 in the afternoon.
When moms talk about their morning sickness, I simply try to empathize. I'm not trying to win a contest for the sickest mom, so I don't need to top their stories. It isn't really the kind of sport I want to excel in, know what I mean?
...but if I had a dollar for every time I've spoken of it in the company of the uninitiated, for every time I've felt like they trivialized a potentially life-threatening condition with comparisons to one that isn't--let's just say I'd be in Europe attempting to eat an ice cream sundae doused in edible 24-karat gold, with a private masseuse for each foot.
Don't be that guy.
3. Your remedies probably won't work.
I always appreciate remedies and tips and take them at face value. I don't get ill when presented with one, because to me that says, "I want you to try this, because I want you to feel better, and I know/hear that it can help."
Unfortunately, HG doesn't really respond to remedies. The only actual cure for it, is to no longer be pregnant, because it's the body's reaction to the pregnancy hormones and fluctuations that get us to HG in the first place. (With Baby Namastè, my HG lingered for most of the 4th trimester as well--lucky me! *smirk*)
So yes, feel free to tell us about your ginger tea or your favorite pregnancy lollipop--just please understand why we aren't exactly thrilled or chomping at the bit to try it. Many times, we've exhausted all the nausea remedies we can conjure (with the help of friends, family, strangers in Publix, and good old Google) and the idea of trying one more just gives us another round of the chucks.
4. Yes, we understand we need to eat...
During my pregnancy with Princess Namastè, I was all but force-fed. The resounding chorus of, "Baby needs food!" rang in my ears and I'd actually make myself feel sicker by forcing down food I didn't want. Every time I'd eat those big, Southern meals, I'd spend hours hugging the porcelain bowl. I'm not kidding. By the time I was recovered from breakfast, it'd be time to attempt lunch. I spent my entire pregnancy either eating or recovering from the effect of eating--in my case, HG announces itself by frequent, body-wrecking, projectile vomiting. So, on top of hearing (and knowing) I needed some sustenance, I was saddled with the guilt of barely being able to stomach anything.
5. ...except sometimes we can literally only eat what we crave. Period.
With Princess Namastè, the only thing I didn't immediately get sick from were Snickers bars wrapped in Fruit Roll-ups. I could eat that and feel almost okay! I even found myself justifying it by pointing out the minuscule health benefits (very minuscule) because people insisted on telling me how bad it was for me and baby.
For Baby Namastè', it was naked potatoes--a baked potato with nothing--and Hershey bars with almonds. Hubby Namastè or Brother Namastè could be seen in our local stores any time of day or night buying potatoes and chocolates. They also fiercely protected my whims and fancies, valiantly saving me from countless explanations of why I CAN EAT WHATEVER THE HECK I WANT, PROVIDED IT STAYS DOWN AND DOES NOT BRING ME MORE PAIN.
Try not to police a woman's food choices if you know she's having a rough go of things (or period, because RUDE much?!) because sometimes that candy or hummus is the only thing she can stomach. While baby will get what they need regardless, it's up to Mom to make sure there's enough nutrients left for her own body to not be depleted. When food is your worst enemy, that's difficult. No help needed from the peanut gallery to make it more so.
6. YES, some of us (probably most) opt for medication.
We already know the risks and detriments, and we thank you kindly to not undermine this decision with horror stories and cautionary tales.
Unless your doctor dispenses meds like a Pez popper, you know how difficult it is to get any kind of prescription. Imagine being so violently ill that even smelling food sends your tummy churning, yet knowing you will be still more ill--dry heaving, cramping, and tremors--if you don't attempt to consume something. You can't win, but there's a medication (or combination of medications) that can ease this. Do you take it?
Many of us do. It isn't a decision we reach lightly. We go over the risks to ourselves and our babies, and we make a choice. If you don't agree with that choice, congratulations--it was never yours to make, question, criticize, or analyze in the first place.
7. Advice is best given...
...WHEN ASKED. Otherwise, shhhhh.
Even the best intentions can be misunderstood when a person is already feeling cornered. And yes, deciding between a little relief and a few side effects or no relief and still have effects, is enough to make the toughest mom feel cornered. Be mindful.
8. Avoid bringing smells.
When I was carrying Baby Namastè, our family had just taken on renovations of a convenience store. We are very hands-on with our stores, so Hubby Namastè enlisted Brother Namastè to help get the new acquisition ready for business.
Every evening they came in smelling like cleaning agents and outside--but I only had to experience the olfactory assault once. They would each clean up before coming farther into the house.
No, I don't think you should shower as soon as you walk into an HG warrior's home. Unless you should shower. Your call! I DO think you should pay attention to things you know to be her trigger. She isn't doing it to be difficult. She really cannot handle that scent. Help her out. Or maybe bring something she can stand the smell of to offset. (For me, that equalizer scent was Gain fabric softener sheets--but they needed to be spent. Straight out of the box was too strong; I needed the ones from our just-dried laundry!)
9. Be considerate.
This goes a long way. Just. Be. Considerate.
We may be so excited for you to have tried a new restaurant or have perfected a recipe--but we probably don't want to talk about it. As interested as we are, food in any form might be that unappealing.
10. Most important. DON'T EVER (loosely) ACCUSE AN HG MAMA OF BEING DRAMATIC ABOUT HER ILLNESS.
It's enough to deal with as is. It's painful. It's exhausting. It's terrifying. (I very frequently vomited blood--my heaves and wretches were strong and constant enough to cause bleeding in my throat, which often led to bouts of esophagitis...which is painful on its own but coupled with more puking, can feel like swallowing razor blades and washing them down with saline and alcohol.)
All that, yet I still had to deal with people swearing I was acting out to make Hubby Namastè stay home with me, or because I wanted to be pampered. Anyone who knows us or even knows of us, knows we spoil each other rotten. Period. So it was actually hurtful to have people assuming such. I don't have to act out for him to be nice to me. I don't have to play psychological games for his affection. The same is true for him. To have people take an illness and twist the story was disgusting at best and downright vile at worst.
Granted some women are prone to being a bit over the top, HG or not, it's still not fair to pick such a moment to rag on them.
When in doubt, it's better to keep those judgments to yourself. It's always better to keep unfounded judgments to yourself, Debra.
...
That was a brain full. I hope it will be well-received. If not, I hope you'll examine just why you chose to be offended by an opinion piece.
Either way...
Namastè!
-- Tayè K. ♡
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