Namastè!
Holidays mean family.
Family means no one gets left behind.
While the second statement is true, it doesn't cover those who willingly walk away. Family means no one gets left behind, but it's not a hostage situation. Those who choose an exit, can typically go without much ado.
As you probably know, Dad Namastè is actually not Princess Namastè's biological father. He stepped up to the plate when she was pretty young, and never wavered, so make no mistake: HE IS HER FATHER. Appa. Dad. Pops.
He's the real McCoy and honestly, it's better that way.
While I won't go on a bashing spree here, I will admit that over the years I've sometimes grappled with how to navigate this blended family of ours. I certainly and wholeheartedly encourage the bond between Hubs and Princess, and that bond is incredible. (It's everything I wish I'd had with my own biological parents...another post, another day.) He teaches her. He cares for her. He disciplines her. He supports her. He spoils her. He will be there to walk her out for debutante and also to cheer at her graduation(s)!
...her biological father has (and will likely never) taken the time to do any of those things, at least not consistently. Because we had a difficult journey to this point, we did not master effective coparenting. Due to the absence of an actual relationship, we never set our own lives apart to create a space of "wr" where raising her was concerned. He went about his bachelorhood and I endeavored to raise her. There was no drastic breakup or even break down.
I don't paint him as a bad guy. She's always known who he is. We've never given her any false hope that someday she would have both biological parents under one roof or even in the same city. Perhaps at too early an age, she knew her other parent had a life that she would not be a big part of, and she adjusted.
As such, I have never pushed for visitation or financial support. Before my marriage, I managed on my own. I missed a lot--preschool programs, milestones, et cetera. In the name of providing for her, I reasoned it all out as minor sacrifice. Because her biological father was not around, and I was doing the parenting thing solo, I kept at the grindstone. Overcompensated like hell at times, but what can we do? *shrugs*
Her biological father always had access. He was welcome to visit, provided he respected the structure of our home and didn't sow discord or bad vibes. Up til mid-2015, he was a fairly present part of her world. He didn't visit often, but he did call and text. (I gave her a phone line when she was 4, so it could never be said that I was impeding his contact.)
The first few months after he stopped dealing with her at all, were a nightmare. Hubby and I were preparing to welcome Brother Bear, and a proverbial and very sudden shit storm took us through the wringer. Hubby lost his brother. We became caregivers to four other kids in the wake of that. We lost our home (fire) and had to adjust to a new and very odd normal. Princess was only 9 years old, and it shook her core.
She acted out that year. Sure, she was still a darling girl, and she still had Hubs there supporting and loving her without ever mentioning step--there was literally never any separation, she was and is simply his kid, just like Brother Bear and Tiger Lily. She didn't have that connection to her biological father though and it bothered her. Understandably so, because I've been through the same. I was raised by wonderful people and enjoyed an incredible closeness to my grandmother, but I always kinda craved the love and I don't know, approval? I wanted my biological parents to see me and be proud, but I never felt like they did and I never felt like they were. As great as my life is, that shadow still looms sometimes--along with the guilt that crops up because it seems ungrateful to wish for a connection to people who did not want to raise me when I had most of my life with ones who did! I know she had to work through that.
Coming to the present moment, when she's thriving under the care of two parents who have made a definite, irreplaceable spot for her at the center of their life, I feel we made the right choices. While we still don't press for support or even involvement, we leave the decision of keeping the door open, to Princess. It is her decision as to if she allows those people in her life. She decides if they get to be part of her world. She decides how she feels about them.
We don't influence it. We only talk about it is she brings it up. While we are honest, we don't bash them or speak ill of them. At no point is she allowed to be disrespectful to them, but she is allowed to decide when she speaks with them (or attempts to) and if she visits them (so far she has not, although we would pay for it) or not. She is 12 now. Not a baby, not a toddler.
There are still no visits, and only sporadic contact. Hubs and I still maintain that separate phone line for Princess so it can never be said that we don't allow a connection between her and that part of her family. (They are her family, even if only by blood.) We don't speak of them at all. What would we say? We don't hate them or harbor any ill will. His refusal to participate in her upbringing has left us free to enjoy every bit of it. We get all the hugs, smiles, and AHA moments as she learns to navigate this life. We get to cheer her on as she wins. We get to comfort her as she learns to take her Ls. We get to watch proudly as she becomes herself instead of just our baby girl. We get to guide her! While none of that is all rainbows and butterflies (spoiler alert: the preteen years can absolutely BLOW), the rewards are still the same: immeasurable joy.
In our case, the blended family just means keeping an olive branch. Not necessarily extending it, but having it at the ready in case things ever reach a point where we can extend said branch without looking stupid or bringing undue pain to our first girl! Our only concern is making sure she is balanced, supported, and loved properly, not just as it is convenient...which is the same thing we do for our other two littles. We are only here for what provides the greatest benefit to them, and perpetuating discord and unrest doesn't factor.
She is definitely kept. Not kept away from them, or denied a meaningful connection, but decidedly away from the typical daddy issues. We won't let her feel like she has to beg for a relationship with them. We won't ever let her think any of his refusal to be her father, is her fault.
We also don't shield the truth. We just make sure she receives it in manageable bits.
That's what parenting is--PREPARING FOR the world but PROTECTING FROM the bullshit.
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