Balance, ACQUIRED.

As you know, we have a preteen in our ranks!

I really dig this stage with my Princess. She is quite bubbly and I genuinely like the person she is becoming. She is intelligent, talented, creative, and sweet. She is a friend to all.

She marches to the beat of her own drum, which I am so proud of in particular because it is difficult to be different when everywhere you look, you re being told what to be.

As do most kids her age, Princess has a cell phone. We got her a really nice one now, and she is allowed to use more of its features than she was before. She uses a few apps for her animations and video editing, and she occasionally interacts with other players on an online gaming forum. Of course she also emails and texts her friends.

Now...the problem we as her parents faced... *ominous music*

How the heck would we monitor her use of this phone, without infringing too much on her privacy?

I know you're probably furrowing your brow wondering why we gave her a phone at all if we still need to monitor it. We gave her a phone because...we wanted her to have it.

(I kid...sorta.)

We gave her the phone because one, she is a social butterfly and I'm not into having her friends text her on my device. Two, we cant teach her appropriate stewardship and model the right behaviors regarding a phone if she never has one.

Think of it like driving. We can tell her a million times that it is a combination of gas, brakes, and steering--but she won't actually learn to drive a vehicle unless we put her behind the wheel to practice. And it goes without saying that said practice needs to be guided at first. That is why we get permits before we get full licensure, yes?

That being said, we needed a way to have boundaries AND we wanted, ideally, for it to be an application.

Note: We still do random checkpoints with her phone. The app we chose does not negate our need to maintain a real rapport nd have real conversations about things. It just eliminates the need to constantly be after her about time limits and some content.

We chose Google Family Life. (It is available here, [https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.google.android.apps.kids.familylink] as a free download for Android.)

We sat down with our girl and outlined our expectations.

Disclaimer: I am not being paid to talk about this app. The experiences mentioned are mine and mine alone, and are uninfluenced by promotional consideration, monetary or otherwise.

Content: You would be surprised the things kids know and discuss among themselves--sex, drugs, self harm, suicide! They are bombarded with so much via social media and media in general, as well as the home environment, and sometimes they process it by talking and acting among themselves. We do not know what happens inside the homes or minds of the children she interacts with, so we made sure she knew to come to us with any kind of concern, big or small, about anything she sees as she's online or in her messages. While she understands this, we understand how peer pressure can come in to play and cause a shild to act unharacteristically. We watch diligently for signs of bullying, because kids are a lot meaner than when we were growing up, and they have a lot more ways to inflict pain in their peers.

Time limits: Because Princess is older, she does not go to bed at 8 o'clock. Unless she is grounded, I generally don't bother her about going to sleep; she just has to go to her room and be in her bed. Time limits on her devices are a big deal because she would stay up all night otherwise. Since the television would wake me or Dad, she would typically tuck in with her phone and stay up all night texting and playing games. One would think that's not bad--but it is. Older kids still need sleep. Plus there was no way for us to know how long she was up or what sites she might be visiting. Clearing the web history is really easy and prior to Family Link, we wouldn't know. Even with the app, we still depend on her to act with honor.

Location: Princess is a social butterfly, and occasionally goes on excursions with friends. (Friends whose parents we have met and spoken with enough to be comfortable with them having her over, not just randoms.) In the event she were to say they would be at point A but went to point B, we would know with just a quick check of her location. Family Link uses GPS to pinpoint the location of the device. Could she manipulate it by leaving her phone one place while going to another? Yes. But that is where honor comes in to play. The location feature is currwntly most useful if she misplaces her device in the house or car.

Family Link shows me a daily report of her usage. I can see which apps she used and for how long and where she went with the phone. It also alerts me to downloads and banned content. I can add more security features, but a moderate level works for now and we are content with that.

Family Link does NOT show me her texts, emails, or calls. It does not show anything not triggered by the settings!

While some see that as a weakness in the app functionality, we see it as a plus.

Honor.

While I am always able to lock the device via Family Link or go the old fashioned route and confiscate it entirely, I still rely on her to be honorable. If someone sends her something inappropriate, she must tell us. The app does not do all that--it monitors HER behaviors and online habits, not those of the ones around her.

Again, HONOR.

I honestly think Family Link is the perfect balance for our family. We have control, but she too has a modicum thereof.

We really use the data gathered in the daily report as a springboard for conversations about her world! She knows she can approach us about anything that she is experiencing or curious about, and she knows we will not shut her out. While the app is a thorn in her side sometimes (she's a typical tween and doesn't like feeling too restricted), she realizes it is also a safety net for her. She knows we are using it to guide and protect her, NOT punish her.

That was important for us. We didn't want her to feel like she was being kept on too short a leash, but we also didn't want her running amok online doing who knows what on who knows what sites. The content filters, location services, and time limit settings have been perfect as we allow her the space and carefully-cut experiences to become a model online citizen.

Parental controls are almost always a battleground. We didn't experience that with Family Link.

Next post, I'll share some of the ways we manage to keep communication open as our eldest's world stretches to include more than just us!