Tween Time!

In my last post I was talking about how we had the really good parental control app, Family Link.

But no app can work if the communication between parents and child isn't good. After all, the Family Link application has to be installed on both the parent device and the child's. The child can delete it just as easily as they delete anything else!

I have four winds of communication that I keep in mind when I'm dealing with my kids. I like to keep everything down to four laws or less, and flexibility reigns.

These go for all the kids, but specifiy our Princess as she is the eldest and is more in tune with our behavior as it compares to our expectations of her behavior. We like to keep ourselves TAYE!

1. Transparent.

I let my kid know the what and the why. And if I deviate from our prescribed course, I let her know what's up.

2. Accountable.

We make sure we are accountable for our deeds, good and bad. If we break a tenet before her, or she realizes we have, we don't sweep it under the rug. We discuss (within the bounds of what she can process) and let her know that we messed up. We also apologize when needed.

3. YES.

We only say "no" when it is necessary. This is a family, not a prison. Added bonus--because our NOs are not frequent or reflexive, they are more readily understood. That's not saying the kids aren't still disappointed by the NOs sometimes, only that they understand there must be a real reason rather than just assuming Mom and Dad are being mean today.

4. Even.

The rules are applied fairly across the board. While that doesn't mean everyone gets exactly the same rewards and punishments, it means we apply the same rules to each situation with regard to the child in question. For example, Tiger Lily is not expected to sleep all night, so she doesn't incur any consequence for being awake. But Princess and Brother Bear, aside from when they do not feel well or we are traveling, are expected to remain asleep/quiet in their rooms until morning. They each have the same rules and expectations, and we try our best to tailor the consequences (positive and negative) to their age and stage.

Same with Family Link!

While Princess could theoretically (and quite literally) get into way more mischief than Brother Bear, she also meeds more permission and access. So she receives that (more permission and more access), but also more in depth parental controls. Not more rules, but the settings for her are more detailed.

It's a balance we are learning as we go. For sure we have made blunders, but we have also got a pretty good grip on it.

Maybe once the kids are all grown and gone, we will have a real handle on this parenting gig!

Balance, ACQUIRED.

As you know, we have a preteen in our ranks!

I really dig this stage with my Princess. She is quite bubbly and I genuinely like the person she is becoming. She is intelligent, talented, creative, and sweet. She is a friend to all.

She marches to the beat of her own drum, which I am so proud of in particular because it is difficult to be different when everywhere you look, you re being told what to be.

As do most kids her age, Princess has a cell phone. We got her a really nice one now, and she is allowed to use more of its features than she was before. She uses a few apps for her animations and video editing, and she occasionally interacts with other players on an online gaming forum. Of course she also emails and texts her friends.

Now...the problem we as her parents faced... *ominous music*

How the heck would we monitor her use of this phone, without infringing too much on her privacy?

I know you're probably furrowing your brow wondering why we gave her a phone at all if we still need to monitor it. We gave her a phone because...we wanted her to have it.

(I kid...sorta.)

We gave her the phone because one, she is a social butterfly and I'm not into having her friends text her on my device. Two, we cant teach her appropriate stewardship and model the right behaviors regarding a phone if she never has one.

Think of it like driving. We can tell her a million times that it is a combination of gas, brakes, and steering--but she won't actually learn to drive a vehicle unless we put her behind the wheel to practice. And it goes without saying that said practice needs to be guided at first. That is why we get permits before we get full licensure, yes?

That being said, we needed a way to have boundaries AND we wanted, ideally, for it to be an application.

Note: We still do random checkpoints with her phone. The app we chose does not negate our need to maintain a real rapport nd have real conversations about things. It just eliminates the need to constantly be after her about time limits and some content.

We chose Google Family Life. (It is available here, [https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.google.android.apps.kids.familylink] as a free download for Android.)

We sat down with our girl and outlined our expectations.

Disclaimer: I am not being paid to talk about this app. The experiences mentioned are mine and mine alone, and are uninfluenced by promotional consideration, monetary or otherwise.

Content: You would be surprised the things kids know and discuss among themselves--sex, drugs, self harm, suicide! They are bombarded with so much via social media and media in general, as well as the home environment, and sometimes they process it by talking and acting among themselves. We do not know what happens inside the homes or minds of the children she interacts with, so we made sure she knew to come to us with any kind of concern, big or small, about anything she sees as she's online or in her messages. While she understands this, we understand how peer pressure can come in to play and cause a shild to act unharacteristically. We watch diligently for signs of bullying, because kids are a lot meaner than when we were growing up, and they have a lot more ways to inflict pain in their peers.

Time limits: Because Princess is older, she does not go to bed at 8 o'clock. Unless she is grounded, I generally don't bother her about going to sleep; she just has to go to her room and be in her bed. Time limits on her devices are a big deal because she would stay up all night otherwise. Since the television would wake me or Dad, she would typically tuck in with her phone and stay up all night texting and playing games. One would think that's not bad--but it is. Older kids still need sleep. Plus there was no way for us to know how long she was up or what sites she might be visiting. Clearing the web history is really easy and prior to Family Link, we wouldn't know. Even with the app, we still depend on her to act with honor.

Location: Princess is a social butterfly, and occasionally goes on excursions with friends. (Friends whose parents we have met and spoken with enough to be comfortable with them having her over, not just randoms.) In the event she were to say they would be at point A but went to point B, we would know with just a quick check of her location. Family Link uses GPS to pinpoint the location of the device. Could she manipulate it by leaving her phone one place while going to another? Yes. But that is where honor comes in to play. The location feature is currwntly most useful if she misplaces her device in the house or car.

Family Link shows me a daily report of her usage. I can see which apps she used and for how long and where she went with the phone. It also alerts me to downloads and banned content. I can add more security features, but a moderate level works for now and we are content with that.

Family Link does NOT show me her texts, emails, or calls. It does not show anything not triggered by the settings!

While some see that as a weakness in the app functionality, we see it as a plus.

Honor.

While I am always able to lock the device via Family Link or go the old fashioned route and confiscate it entirely, I still rely on her to be honorable. If someone sends her something inappropriate, she must tell us. The app does not do all that--it monitors HER behaviors and online habits, not those of the ones around her.

Again, HONOR.

I honestly think Family Link is the perfect balance for our family. We have control, but she too has a modicum thereof.

We really use the data gathered in the daily report as a springboard for conversations about her world! She knows she can approach us about anything that she is experiencing or curious about, and she knows we will not shut her out. While the app is a thorn in her side sometimes (she's a typical tween and doesn't like feeling too restricted), she realizes it is also a safety net for her. She knows we are using it to guide and protect her, NOT punish her.

That was important for us. We didn't want her to feel like she was being kept on too short a leash, but we also didn't want her running amok online doing who knows what on who knows what sites. The content filters, location services, and time limit settings have been perfect as we allow her the space and carefully-cut experiences to become a model online citizen.

Parental controls are almost always a battleground. We didn't experience that with Family Link.

Next post, I'll share some of the ways we manage to keep communication open as our eldest's world stretches to include more than just us!

"I'm Gonna Take You Outside!"

So...

I had the joyous pleasure of changing my phone number recently. (Read: yesterday. I got a new number yesterday.) We also upgraded our phones and switched companies. Woo-hoo!

I usually have the kids with me when I'm running errands. They actually make cool little zipping mates, provided they aren't hungry or tired.

My little boy bear is bursting with energy. He's 3. It's pretty tough for him to sit completely still during our longer errands, because he's only 3.

I reiterated the 3 because it matters. Keep reading.

One of the things I try to do with my kids is recognize their humanity. They are tiny people, but they are no less people than adult people and deserve the same (if not a little more) consideration and accommodations!

That being said...

We ported over the first number for the new contract with no problem. Because mine required a port then change, it was a little more complicated. Read: the cashier was relatively new and had not handled a port and change before. We got to be her first, but it was a long process. It took about 90 minutes.

We were the only people in the store for the first hour thankfully, but my little bear was a bit restless and needed to move a little. When another customer came, I decided I would give him a little run break.

"I'm gonna take you outside, young one!"

Now...the Namasté humor is a bit dry. We play and pull faces, but in general most of our quips are delivered with a straight face and flat tone. Because I was dealing with the kiddo, I wagged my finger for a little dramatic flair.

"Oooh. Mama's about to beat you."

*needle scratch*

No ma'am, mama is most certainly not about to beat anyone.

What I did do, was take him outside and let him run a little on the sidewalk. Picked him up and played airplane. Gave him sugars and tickles. Then I gave him a high five, we took some deep breaths to relax, and went back in to finish our business.

Which worked out perfectly because two minutes after his break, the cashier finished our phone transaction!

"I thought he was gonna get a whoopin'."

Again with the abuse tactics.

Why do we automaticay think a kid needs to be beaten/punished FOR BEING A KID?!

That is not how we operate in our house.

A little understanding goes a long way.

Summer Shenanigans!

Ah, summer.

School is never actually out for us, since we home school, but we take the summer days to dive into that good old unstructured, unplanned fun.

This year we are in one of our nomadic spells, so we are traveling a lot. The kids really enjoy hotels and museums, which is great because that's exactly what they'll be seeing as we make our way around! We have trips planned from now until the tail end of August, which is epic because I feel like I've been in the house all year.

The kids have been asking a lot about what I was like as a kid, and what I was into. They are interested in what I ate, read, watched, and played as a child, and I'm doing my best to recreate a lot.

My babies are city kids. They're being brought up in a subdivision with tree-lined streets and a clubhouse. They each have activities, ranging from tot soccer to swim class, so they are always busy with something. In addition to that, they travel a lot with us, so there's really not much time for them to do the stuff I did as a kid.

Read:I didn't do soccer or music lessons in the summer. I played outside. I drank sugar and caffeine and ate grease and cheese. (Not literal combinations--just illustrating how health conscious I was not!) I ran in the sprinklers and jumped in the pond to swim, and I did all of that pretty much every day. I am an 80s baby, so I had Surge and Clearly Canadian when I wasn't drinking Hi-C or tap water.

Somewhere in my quest to be the best damned parent I could possibly manage, I forgot to give them the simpler parts of my childhood, things that didn't really cost money but still helped make my little life really nice. I have enjoyed giving them the best of everything we could--schools, food, travel experiences! But hubby grew up on an island, and I grew up on a farm...

...and our kids have mainly only read about those places.

I'm making it my mission to take them to my hometown, the little town in Alabama where I got my roots and wings. I hope some of the places I used to frequent are still around: the parks and playgrounds, the schools I attended, the little restaurant and ice cream stand I used to get my double scoop from every Thursday afternoon. While I'm sure some of those places have since closed, I still want them to know those places.

I guess as I get in touch with my own roots and try to untangle the beginnings, I'm searching too for things to pass on. I don't want my childhood to be a mystery to them, because it wasn't all traumatic. In fact, the vast majority of it was darn near idyllic! I grew up in a really cool rural area, where I could play freely and enjoy fresh air and sunshine.

My kids are growing up a lot more sheltered than I, due to the times, but I don't want them to have fear. They need to feel the sun on their backs! They need to wake up, go down to the pasture, and run wild until lunch time. To catch turtles and frogs, and make tree forts and obstacle courses.

So...

...our summer shenanigans begin.

Pump Tips!

Namastè!

So...as you know I'm a pumping mama. (Three years and counting for two babies, give me my propssss!)

Many times, I share pics and posts and the number one thing I'm asked is, "How do you do it?!"

Pumping is hard work. Unlike breastfeeding, you aren't attached to your baby. It's a machine, and it's a weird feeling. It's not exactly the stuff brelfies are made of, know what I mean?

But I have some tips and a hack or two to make it a little better.

1. BE CONSISTENT.

While yu needn't have a set time and duration for each sesh, you di need to be consistent. I always set my pump seshes around how my babies ate. Tiger Lily, for example, is a 12-3-6-9 eater. She's always been really punctual about it too. So, after her nursing sesh, I pump. Or I'll let Hubby give her a bottle and pump while he feeds her.

2. BE FLEXIBLE.

You have to be willing to concede a wish or two sometimes. The ultimate goal is feeding baby, even if it doesn't go exactly as you envision.

3. GET GUIDANCE.

Even as an exclusive pumper, we can still benefit greatly from a consultation with an LC.

4. Don't get taken in by the latest trends.

You don't need teas, cookies, special diets, or certain Gatorades to produce milk. You just need consistency and determination.

5. Consider a hand pump.

I own two manual pumps--a Medela Harmony and my favorite, the Haakaa.

I can't really think of much more, because there's not any magic involved and the only way to have a good pumping experience is to create it. You orchestrate how it goes. 

Growth Charts

Tiger Lily is very petite.

Despite nursing around the clock her first few months, she never seemed to grow all that quickly. She finally put on a delightful chub, but her height/length ticks along at a snail's pace.

According to the charts, she's in the 4th percentile,

But I tucked my manners away for a second and said, "Fuck those charts."

The charts don't measure how she's hit every milestone ahead of schedule despite being sorta diminutive.

The charts don't measure how she eschews typical snacks but devours mango and avocado with big girl gusto.

The charts don't measure how she manages to keep up with her brother and sister despite her small stature.

Hell, the charts never revealed anything, except that 96% of the kids her age in Georgia were growing faster than she.

Before she got a medical all-clear, I was concerned about those charts, y'all. I used to bug our pediatrician because I was terrified they would want her on formula (I am against formula for my babies because I make plenty of milk!), or that they would insist she needed medications or interventions with no guarantee she would ever grow to their prescribed rate.

She probably won't grow as fast as we would like.

We also won't be terrorizing ourselves with those damn charts.

Note: As long as a child is thriving and meeting the milestones in their pace, the charts are merely a tool to compare their growth in relation to the growth of other children in their age range and/or local demographic. They're not iron clad. They also don't take into account breastfed babies, who actually tend to be leaner than their formula fed counterparts.

Stash Pics?!

Namastè!

I'm sitting in my little pump space. I have my chair, my sparkly pump, and my craft of the day--a learning journal for Brother Bear.

Today I had to bag and freeze the milk from yesterday and the day before, and it's 120 ounces!!! My kiddo's stash is remaining steady, and I'm beyond proud.

As a breastfeeding mom--three years in, thank you kindly, with an average of 200K ounces donated per year!--I know the pump doesn't represent anything except another bottle.

It doesn't measure my ability.

It doesn't measure my strength as a mom.

It doesn't even measure my milk, as no pump removes 100%!

But when I look in the freezer or deep freeze, I can't help but feel proud. My body does this, with no magic food or drink. I don't have superhuman powers. I don't even have a ton of support, aside from my mommy friends and a few blogs.

It's amazing to me, and because I'm cataloging every step, I take pictures of the stash. I take pictures when I donate and clear it out. I take pics when I restart. I take pics when it's a burgeoning mother lode.

As I share my journey, I also share my pictures.

And then the weirdness starts.

First off, when I see a mom rocking it, I congratulate her. I don't get any stronger by shaking another moms foundation. I don't make more milk for my baby by taking cheap shots at another mom's stash. And yes, I truly think a stash of 4 ounces is just as important as my current stash of 400 ounces.

Why?

Because I recognize and appreciate the work that goes into even one pump session.

What I don't really get is, why a photo of my success triggers a snapshot of another mother's failure.

It's a picture. It's one mom's journey. Looking at that picture of her journey should not effect negative feelings toward your own!

Three Year Olds... BE BUGGIN'!

My little boy bear is now in the heavy part of three-ness.

Knee deep.

Either I don't remember very well, Princess girl's three, or I have blocked it out because it's a painful reminder that regardless of how well you care for a kid, they will still turn on you. Like, in a heartbeat.

Right now my kid loves all things Dad.

Dad must cook.

Dad must do bathtime.

Dad must drive.

Dad must read the stories.

Dad must get the first hugs and sugars of the day.

Dad must...

...be a frickin' unicorn because His Royal Threeness has an entire come apart if I attempt any of the aforementioned.

That's daily if you lost count, because I'm home with the small humans all day while Dad brings home a larger chunk of proverbial bacon.

In general I'm fine with the Dad preference. He's a boy after all. It isn't like he wants to paint his nails and put together outfits from our Pinterest boards. My little boy bear likes the same stuff his dad likes--tools, cars, and using tools on cars.

I am all in with his burgeoning desire to learn everything. I love going through his know book and talking about the things we see on our adventures ands jaunts around the cities we visit.

I was not equipped for his periodic come aparts though.  *insert cracked face*

Three-year-olds be buggin'!