Racism in Influencer-Land

In 2020???

Yep.

I have dipped in and out of social media influencing since 2016. For the most part it has been a phenomenal experience! I've gotten to experience working alongside some amazing companies--big and small--and every opportunity has generally been a good one.

Because my scope is so varied--I blog, do social media, AND manage a huge mom group (online and off), I have an interesting advantage over the traditional single scope influencer.

Note: This doesn't mean I'm better...it means my audience is a bigger cross section of the actual population--NOT just a set of followers on a social site. I don't just present to one group. (My "influence" carries beyond just social media or a group setting.) I meet people in lots of difference places and my family speaks a total of 5 languages.

...and NONE of this matters sometimes because I'm NOT a blonde haired, blue eyed influencer queen with a million followers on a single platform.

Admittedly it's annoying as hell.

The same companies who will NOT work with my too dark, too unpopular self as an influencer will turn around and email me a coupon code. *insert side eye emoji*

Nah. Save it for Becky. *shrugs*

It's infuriating to me.

But even more so is that IF they view my analytics and media kit before they realize I'm indeed a little Black girl from Georgia, the tune changes.

I ain't good enough as Tayé, but once the blog numbers and media kit contacts roll across those desks, and they realize some of the people I'm connected to who bold a bit of weight, suddenly it is a different tune. Then it's, "Oh, let us do this." And instead of speaking like I'm an annoyance, they're kissing my ass. The one they were ready to toss me out on moments before.

I'm not feeding into that machine.

Self Is NOT Flower Crown Selfies and Expensive Manicures.

I like flower crown selfies.

Putting that out there first.

But recently I've had to do some shadow work--working on healing and accepting parts of me that I don't give enough care to. The stuff we push into the closet.

For me it's mostly been unpacked family trauma and a shitload of anxiety about making sure I'm better to my own kids than my biological parents were to me. (Already batting a thousand here because none of my kids have been given or taken away, and their lives are happy, healthy, and stable!)

While I thank the entire universe for my darling grandma, I know she shouldn't have had to raise me. It is something I have always felt immensely guilty about.

She was a rare jewel--loving, patient, just everything a mother should be. But she had been those things already for her own children and shouldn't have had to start over with me. She never complained, which is why I am so fiercely thankful for and dedicated to her even after her passing.

Brass tacks.

You know how some people take a trip and return home, and just throw their suitcase in the closet? They don't unpack. Everything stays in the suitcase(s) and then when they want or need those items, they either get stuck in a loop of constantly trying to find a replacement OR they have to unpack their shit and sift through it, only to find out their sweater doesn't fit anymore or that they actually left their favorite jeans in Bora Bora.

I'm the dork who is currently sifting through her proverbial shit.

I could get a manicure and take a selfie.

But it would only LOOK good. I want to FEEL, BE, and EFFECT good.

Cutting Ties

Usually I do NOT get into my biological family dynamic on this blog because honey...

It. Is. A.

MESS!

As you may or may not know, I just celebrated my 36th Taye-Day!!!

As always, Hubby dd his thing and it was a wonderful, peaceful day. I got what I wanted to eat, got some time to just rest, and got some time with my little family.

Now...I've been on a journey to kinda heal some stuff that has troubled me since early adulthood.

Mainly the lack of relationship with my biological family. I literally have nieces and nephews I haven't met, and siblings I would not mind building a bond with. I grew up with cousins and all that, and because my in-laws are scattered between here (US), Sri Lanka, and India, I had been really wanting to bridge the gap. I have connected to my roots, but I wanted to connect my kids as well IF it could be a positive experience.

Before I get into the sucker punch, allow me to clarify just how many of us there are--I have 8 siblings CONFIRMED. Three nephews and two nieces whom I have actually met. (Sweet, adorable kids!) I am unsure of how many more there are--this is just what I can confirm because I physically saw them and interacted with them at my grandmother's homegoing service in 2017.

My mother has a total of 4 siblings. They each have kids. (Don't have an exact count.)

The numbers are relevant...stay with me.

On January 25th my cousins planned a glorious birthday event.

EVERYONE was invited and a great majority attended.

I was not told.

The sucker punch?

Each of these humans knew about this event. The children as well as the adults. While I have not physically been in their presence since 2017, I have maintained at least a monthly phone call. Each of which ends with, we have to get together. Family should be closer. Blah effing blah.

DO you know how it feels to realize the very people who are ALWAYS asking for your presence and asking to see you, literally planned an entire event and only invited you up the day AFTER?!

I can't even get ONE OF my kids to keep a secret for ten minutes. How the heck did they, who can't even agree on a shirt color for a family reunion, all manage to come together to hate and exclude me??? What the actual...

The amount of outright disdain involved to make sure I was not there is baffling. They didn't forget--it was freaking intentional. And I was meant to find out.

I didn't realize they felt so strongly about not being around me, or having me be a part of anything for them. My silly ass was thinking we would get closer. *face palm*

...and that was the final straw. So...all that work I did on myself, trying to identify my own flaws and trying to make sure the problem wasn't me?

I won't say it was a waste because I communicate so much more effectively now. I still accommodate others but I'm not too timid to step up and get what I need as well. I no longer have an inability to not internalize criticism. I no longer fear being with my own thoughts.

I grew. Painfully and beautifully.

I've come to terms with what is, regarding them.

They are NOT on the Taye Train. And that is fine. It doesn't make this train any less worthy or any less important. It doesn't stop this train.

Most importantly I know now that it is fine to set people free. I don't have to have a relationship with them to wish the best for them and want them to be happy. Nor do I have to set myself on fire to keep them warm. I'm fine over here basking in what I love and who loves me, just as they are over there with theirs.

It was a sucker punch. Can't say I'm fully over it because it was literally like a week ago. I had a massive outbreak of hives from the sheer insult, the boldness of it all. And that's how I knew it was time for cutting ties.

Surprising Truth: Mommy Tribe

Namasté!

One of the most important things we as moms need, is a tribe. Not just a clique or a few passing buddies--a tribe is deeper than that. A tribe is chosen family. They're our people.

The surprising truth?

You won't find your true tribe when your babies are new and tiny.

Sure, there's camaraderie. There's solidarity. There's a bond you develop as you endure sleepless nights, Wonder Weeks, and milestones, especially in the first weeks and months.

But it's when the babies become toddlers and preschoolers that you really see with whom you've got common chops.

See, babies are generally easy, unjust every baby needs the same thing. Regardless of a family's beliefs or value system, babies only need warmth, food, and security. As a parent to a new baby, you are the student: the baby is teaching you.

When the roles reverse and the baby becomes the student, is when you likely notice a shift in your circle.

Toddlers need--in addition to food, warmth, and security--structure. Discipline. Routine! This is also where their food is different; there isn't really breast or bottle anymore, but homemade versus processed and organic versus not. Structured day or free range. Day care or home care.

(Whether we participate or not, the Parentscape is fraught with comparisons at practically every turn.)

What will end up making or breaking your tribe?

Belief systems.

People naturally mesh with others who hold similar values and morals, those who believe something similar! It's how we build communities and how we suss out who to embrace versus who to keep at an arm's length.

For example, Hubby and I are very heavily into philanthropy and just trying to not be part of the reason the world is in such sad shape. We don't align with any particular school of thought other than doing as much good as we can, as often as we can. We have been granted a very good life, with which comes the responsibility pf paying that good forward.

As such, we don't mesh particularly well with the more...hedonistic, me-me-me types.

Forming my mommy tribe seemed like it would be easy at first. I wanted some nice mommies (scratch that--I wanted a squad of honest mommies who were nice to me!) to just chew the proverbial fat with sometimes.

Trial and error.

When Brother Bear was little it all seemed pretty easy. We had gotten our house and everything was on the upswing. But between the election (yes, I have ended friendships over that and NO I don't care why you think that's a bad thing. I think it's a bad thing to hang around people who don't think you should have the same rights as they. And don't get me started on racism--I'll be here all day.)

As Brother Bear grew up I realized perhaps my circle might need tweaking. I wanted him around people who celebrate positivity but also honesty! I wanted to have a group of friends who were just like us. Not identical in economic status or even nationality. I just wanted to present a group of friends (or even just one or two) who understood that the world we live in cannot simply be prayed over, and that self care has to be more than flower crown selfies and expensive manicures. 

I wanted grit. Genuine.

I found it...but it wasn't in the cupboard I expected.

So as you navigate the early days of mommy'ing and daddy'ing, don't feel too upset if your tribe seems evasive or un-find-able. It's there...it just isn't at the early part of the game.