How to Be An All-Star Milk Recipient

I have been a milk donorbfor 3 years now, and it has been an amazing journey. I've made some lifelong friends and gotten to be part of some wonderful families.

We didn't really do anything special or magical to make it work so well. It generally comes downbto basic courtesy on both sides. We came in with a common goal--feed the babies! My work is bringing the milk. The families' work is collecting it in a timely manner.

The friendships and bonds are a bonus. They do make for a much more fulfilling experience though. I personally don't feel comfortable just handing a cooler of milk over to a stranger with no words exchanged, no updates on baby.

Note: I don't pry. I just think if I can feed your kid, I can at least get an update on if that kid is doing well?

My moms and I came up with a few things recipients can do to make milk sharing super smooth for all involved.

1. Don't be greedy. In one group there is a popular mama with adopted babies. If she doesn't comment on every post, her drones are tagging her. They work hard for this woman and I suspect she collects hundreds of ounces per month from different sources. These aren't ongoing donations--she literally swoops in to grab every available stash. Her drones coordinate pickups. (She has bragged about donors filling her deep freezer.) The teamwork is beautiful but there is SO MUCH PRESSURE for donors to share with this greedy woman!!! And she really does grub for milk to the point she could be pushing an equally deserving baby to the back of the line. To further aggravate my soul, the greedy mama hops on other posts recommending galactagogues. If they aren't working for her... *smirk* I ended up blocking her and a few of her runners so they couldn't even see when I was offering milk.

Bottom line...don't be greedy. Don't.

2. Always bring bags. ALWAYS. Even if your donor provides them with no fuss, you can still help take that little expense off her hands. The gesture itself will speak volumes about your sweet self! Even if the donor is getting them for free (via insurance, for example) it's still a super polite gesture to always bring some. If she has a preference, get that type. If she doesn't, bring the kind you like.

Just don't fake her out--lie about having bags and show up without. And please don't try to dictate what kind of bags you will give, because even if that's her request then you still come out winning. You only get to choose if she has no preference, as mean as it sounds. Example: I use Nanobebe for my little's personal milkies stash or to donate (and Kiinde for her smoothies), but I accept any brand to donate.

3. If you don't/can't do small talk due to time constraints or shyness, send a quick text or message--a cute pic of baby enjoying their bottle or even just a smiley! (I actually don't do small talk! I am painfully shy and my anxiety is gross, so I'm always grateful for the option to exchange texts. And pictures of the babies is a huge plus.)

4. Be honest. You don't have to create a sad story or extreme urgency! (To be perfectly frank I avoid donating in these situations--I am always nervous because desperate humans are scary humans.) I'm always surprised that a great many of the less than 2% of women in the whole world who physically cannot produce breastmilk, always seem to end up in the same comment sections or donor groups. No shade to the honest...but everyone isn't honest. Somebody, somewhere, is lying, and it isn't fair to the donors who may be giving out of concern for your contirved issue while skipping over a real one.

All milk needs are valid, so just be honest and keep things fair.

5. Be concise. Sometimes a long story is too much. While some background is preferred by some as they decide who to milk share with, if you keep it brief and basic you won't overwhelm the donor.

6. BE NICE. I personally glance over the social media and try to get a feel for what kind of family I'm about to associate with and have in my home. While I don't necessarily judge on that alone, a mom with a page full of inflammatory, racist, or other inappropriate material would not get a drop from me. Even if it is just for giggles, be mindful that you might be offending potential donors. Be a nice person anyway, but especially in milk sharing.

7. Don't be overbearing. I can't mesh with overbearing personality types. You don't have to be my best friend overnight--my best friend wasn't even my best friend overnight! I think the overbearing is rooted in gratitude though...at least I hope so.

8. Understand the process! I do not deliver milk the first few times--I like for them to come to me and see my pump station, freezer, and just get a confidence boost about the whole thing. (This is a major deal--their child's food! I prefer for them to at least show some interest in how it happens.) I like them to know their baby is getting milk that is pumped and stored in the cleanest, safest way possible outside a lab. If they won't take a few minutes for this, I won't donate.

...

I've been doing a lot less peer to peer donations honestly, because it's exasperating to deal with humans. As I said earlier in tge post, I'm always blown away because I know less than 2% of women in the whole world are physically unable to produce milk--but they all coincidentally live in the Unites States and alternate between getting offended on breastfeeding-centered posts and/or recommending galactagogues in milk donor groups.

I still have my goal of ONE MILLION OUNCES donated, so I will keep at it and just be more selective.

Why Women Don't Breastfeed

Because National Breastfeeding Month is upon us, I decided to tackle a different side of the coin.

Warning: This post might make you mad. Frank posts tend to have that effect on some.

Every year I generally share an anecdote about my early days as a nursing mom, some facts and info I've gathered along the way, and some encouragement. I throw in a kickass brelfie or pump selfie. I close by...

...continuing in that vein because I've always done those things year round anyway.

But this year I decided to go left.

As you know, I'm a milk donor. I am tested and milk-bank approved, and I also do peer to peer donations through Human Milk for Human Babies (HM4HB) and Eats On Feet. I have donated over 800K ounces in the past 3.5 years.

I never ask moms why they don't/can't breastfeed. Nothing beyond what I see in the posts. (HM4HB and EOF are Facebook-based, so I see a little about them via their request posts, which typically outline the need and basis of that need.) I try to stay as unbiased as possible. I don't donate by saddest story or most passionate plea--I literally pop in when I have more than I can store and pop right back out when the milk has a new home and another baby has a happy tummy. Because I don't use personal social media beyond milk donations and blog promo (Pages manager requires it), I don't see a lot of the comments to begin with, and I only actually read the post if I intend to  donate.

That being said...

They tell me anyway. Grab your forks and tuck into this meaty read, because I'm getting detailed and deliberate.

Here's the top ten reasons, as told to me by actual moms who will forever remain nameless, why moms aren't breastfeeding.

Note: I warned you that this one might make you mad. But while it is a touchy subject, nothing I write will hit you wrong unless it applies. Also, I'm very well aware of the LESS THAN 2% of moms who are literally physically unable to produce milk, as well as those who are unable due to emotional trauma. But they aren't who I'm discussing--I would never. Tuck your offended away.

Along with those reasons, are thibhs I wish someone shared with them in the right vein--not judgment, just facts to help them make the best choice for them. (NOT necessarily to sway them, but one cannot male the best choice if all the information points to the so-called easy.)

1. I didn't stick with it.

Breastfeeding is natural...but natural and easy are not mutually exclusive. Sometimes when things aren't easy, we just quit. And sometimes when things are coming along easily, we get lulled into a false sense of security and stop putting in effort--then quit because it is not easy anymore. A lack of commitment is probably the number one non-medical reason moms don't continue breastfeeding.

2. I thought I had to use bottles while my milk came in.

Common misconception. We tend to believe babies need far more to eat than they actually do, newborns in particular. We mistake cluster feeding for baby starving, when in reality baby is creating the demand for their new appetites. We don't need to use bottles unless we desire to. Babies will regulate our supply. Trust your body and the baby's instincts.

3. I didn't have support.

Whether it be familial, cultural, or environmental, attitudes about breastfeeding are as varied as the humans who possess them.  Unfortunately a lot of the attitudes that exist in economically-depressed areas (and those populated by women of color) actually tend to steer women away from breastfeeding. Familial pressures are the first issue, naturally. Also, WOMEN ARE NOT RECEIVING THE CARE, EDUCATION (not just run of the mill pamphlets but actual education--information about breastfeeding compiled with consideration for the mom's station in life, be she affluent or poor), AND RESOURCES (free pumps are cool but why aren't more lactation consultants willing to educate moms who might need to pump exclusively AND where are the lactation consultants of color, we need more of both!) TO HAVE SUCCESSFUL BREASTFEEDING JOURNEYS. Although tides are rapidly changing, there is still a tendency to offer formula to babies born in hospitals in these areas. There is an unfortunate scarcity of lactation consultants who understand the lifestyles of women in these areas. A lactation consultant who travels to these places from a more affluent area won't understand the additional constraints these moms face--it often comes down to more than nust worries about milk supply.

4. I didn't realize how important breastmilk is until my baby got sick.

If you browse any milk donation message board, you will see the frantic posts from moms who know that breastmilk is the best food--and also the best medicine. Unfortunately because formula is touted as being "good enough," these moms fall into the game UNTIL their babies are sick. Most doctors will NOT push the issue of breastfeeding (for fear of being accused of shaming, a term people now use freely to describe anything that isn't a pat on the head) but THEY WILL RECOMMEND BREASTMILK if baby is failing to thrive or falls ill.

5. I feel like if donor milk is available, I can just use that.

For as many moms as there are who diligently and fairly utilize donor milk, there are just as many who were simply too lazy to be consistent yet feel their babies deserve that milk too. While I will never say a baby doesn't deserve donor milk, I will say that whenenver possible moms have a responsibility to their babies to be diligent and provide whatever breastmilk they can BEFORE going to those boards. I would donate a thousand ounces to a mother who gave it her best shot before I'd give a single drop to a mom who never attempted. And you will recognize those moms--they swear they have read every article (impressive but untrue); tried every tincture, tea, and treat (except consistently latching and/or pumping--spoiler alert, you must keep at it even when you get half an ounce); and tried every method under the sun...and they will angrily shun any suggestions that they may have missed. Trust me...they missed some. Usually the ones that don't involve a quick fix.

6. I didn't want the baby on me all day.

Any parent can relate to being touched out--but breastfeeding moms get it on a whole 'nother level. These babies are literally attached to us hours of every day. It is adorable for a newborn, but as the babies get older it isn't always quite so endearing. While many moms simply adjust and deal accordingly, some don't. There are plenty of moms who want to hold baby on their terms. Their kid, their choice obviously. But it does hamper breastfeeding and it is a reason some women simply don't nurse.

7. I got free formula from WIC. It was good enough for me and my baby is fine.

Can't argue with free. Just remember that you get what you pay for! Plenty of babies do okay on formula--and plenty more go through pain and discomfort because finding the right formula is a total crap shoot most times. Unfortunately that formula often doesn't last the whole month as babies get older--unlike breastfed babies, formula fed babies must take in more and more formula to get the right nutrition. That often leads to parents padding the bottles with rice cereal (empty calories and starch, also does NOT cure reflux) and even cow's milk to satisfy baby's appetite if they cannot afford the formula. In fact, if I'm not mistaken, WIC actually provides that cereal at six months or so.

8. My milk didn't come in.

Your milk arrives with baby, and changes to suit baby's nutritional and caloric needs throughout your nursing journey, be it two months or two years. Newborns do not receive the white liquid most expect when we mention milk. Colostrum is clear to yellow and thick, like syrup almost. Transitional milk is golden and slightly less viscous than colostrum--this is the golden milk. Finally mature milk is that white or creamy stufd we see in stash pics.

9. I didn't want to stay fat and breastfeeding did not help me lose the baby weight quickly.

Breastfeeding can help you burn the calories quickly and that leads to weight loss--but only if you are burning more than you are taking in, consistently. And this is not the time to be dieting, because simply burning the breastfeeding calories isn't enough if you aren't choosing healthier food and moving your feet a bit.

10. That's for white women.

I usually just sigh here. While my WOC do have disproportionately low breastfeeding rates, especially Black women, it is sometimes difficult to unpack each individual case. Most of it boils down to a lack of support--when your OB/GYN pediatrician, or nurse don't look like you or understand your culture and environment, of course they cannot support you. When your family sees it as something your kind doesn't do, of course they cannot support you. When you're facing all that while trying to carve your own path, of course you will likely cave to their pressure or apathy. It is normal--but very sad.

...

Of course, I encourage every new mom, whether she's on baby one or baby ten, to try. If it doesn't work, any breastmilk is more beneficial and better for baby than receiving none at all.

But I don't just honk the horn or recite the statistics.

I make myself available and will share everything I know (I have had some excellent mentors on this journey!) to help you get your success story.

No, She Doesn't Babysit...

I was just talking about the age gap between my kiddos in my last post. Which always brings about the question of...

Is Princess required to help look after the little ones?

While 3 kids hardly throws us in the lineup of big families, we are still formidable in size and workload and I would be a big fat liar if I said I didn't need an extra set of hands on deck some days just to get through!

But no.

Princess is not that extra set of hands.

Our first little lady is turning 13 in September. She is learning the basics of driving, along with managing money and time & taking care of her own basic needs. (She can do her own laundry and make simple foods for herself, and look after her own hygiene.) She knows how to take transit (although she has never been allowed to alone or actually needed to) and she knows about safety.

Princess is, in a word, amazing!

Princess is also still a kid.

She is a little girl still.

She is not responsible for looking after her siblings.

Does she help out? Of course. She reads stories and helps out with feeding time. She plays with them. She watches over them if I need a shower break or I'm cooking or writing. Despite being a kid herself, she truly is good with them and she typically does whatever she can to help our days go smoothly.

But again--she is still a kid.

That means it isn't her responsibility.

She does have a duty to be a good role model to them. She should be one of their main role models because they look up to her.

But she's not their junior mother.

Don't misunderstand here--she does help care for the little ones. She enjoys it. They are like little dolls to her! She dresses them and plays with them, and then she returns them to me. *chuckle*

But she's a little doll herself, and we don't saddle her with full-on responsibility for the little ones.

I want her to enjoy her childhood too. She has roughly 5 years left before she's 18--then comes a few years of junior adulting before life slams her full throttle with bills and responsibilities. As long as she keeps her grades high and behaves well, we will take care of the rest until after college or job training.

As for the little ones, they aren't hers to deal with aside from simple sibling care and concern.

We refuse to steal her childhood, years that should be carefree for her. Years that she can never recreate.

And no, I don't think it is a bad thing for an older sibling to look after their younger siblings! It isn't stealing their childhood if it is an occasional thing, or even a regular thing as long as the elder child's privileges are commensurate with gheir responsibilities. We simply refuse to make it such a regular requirement that the little ones think they have three parents. And we especially don't want Princess to feel like she has two toddlers.

Also, making the rewards commensurate with the responsibility would be tricky because on the tense days, little kids can drive you to wine.

(Not me--I hate wine. Just illustrating based on the current marketing trend of wine everything aimed at moms.)

She doesn't babysit. She isn't a junior mom.

She's just a kid herself.

Age Gap 😣

Today is one of those "I need to get the kids out and about" type days.

At 5.27 a.m. I already know this.

It is easy enough to just get in the car and go, right?

Well...our kiddos are spaced quite interestingly.

There is a big gap between Princess and Brother Bear, and then a much smaller gap between Brother Bear and Tiger Lily. (They are not Irish twins, but they are close enough in age to still enjoy the same activities and shows.) Princess is a preteen now. Brother Bear is a preschooler. Tiger Lily? Not ready to classify her as anything but the baby.

Anyhoo. Now that you understand the lay if my dilemma, I'll continue my early morning rambling.

After hair and nails for me and Princess, I must find a way to put the afternoon to sleep. There are a few museums around that the smaller kids might enjoy but not understand fully and Princess will eat right up, and a few activity centers that Princess will pretend to like but be horribly bored by yet the little ones will love.

Usually we just strike a balance of either doing an activity for the littlest ones that Princess can tolerate OR something for Princess that the littlest one can marginally sit still for if not participate. Or we appease the tiny twin terrors and make it up to Princess with extra privileges or a special outing for her later.

I will say this: I get to enjoy (and at time endure) a fun range of experiences and milestones simultneously. Princess is literally beginning to learn to drive. Brother Bear is in the thick of pre-K--learning to read, write, and all those wonderful new abilities that come with brand new real big boy status. Tiger Lily is the baby of the bunch, still meeting her first toddler milestones and still incredibly snuggly.

The only time the age gap really becomes inconvenient is if we let it! We spaced them this way, for our own reasons, so we ride the wave of whatever life throws at us with either a smile or a thoughtful smirk.

It has its challenges, but those are mainly down to time management and delegation of grunt work. Read: Hubby and I have to make sure there's a free hand for diapers and dribbly chins, and that hand is never attached to Princess.

Those Double Standards

Ugh!

While I'm rarely present in my personal social media (although you can follow me here and here for my bloggy exploits), I still glance and skim articles periodically to keep my finger on the pulse of current events as well as check in on friends.

Social media is taking a turn toward real, unscripted posts now. The curated perfection people amd companies strived for before is slowly making way for real snapshots of real people being their real selves.

As a blogger, I work with different companies sometimes to do a review or demo. There are three things I am very upfront about:

1. I do not pay for followers.

2. I do not stage photos/fudge reviews. I don't nor do I want to spend hours setting up for pics and I am more likely to send a product back than lie about it.

3. I'm NOT gonna compromise myself or my views just to fit in as an influencer.

So...

All this comes about as a result of a photo recently shared. My little flower girl was enjoying a product and actually got a feature on that company's Instagram. I was pleased and even shared the link!

It was then brought to my attention that she was not featured in the same vein as other babies. While she was on tbe IG and got a good buzz generated, her little brown self was notably absent from the FB, despite that company actively posting many other babies since.

I wasn't all that aggravated at first. She got a feature with minimal work on my end--I snapped a pic and posted it. I used their hashtag to see if they'd use it and they did! Can't argue with that.

The pic is a real pic of a real baby on a real shopping trip. I didn't rope off an area of Target nor did I stage lighting and filter my kid til she looked different. None of that. I didn't coordinate her outfit and pose on an aisle with a complementary theme to said outfit.

...but because people kept reaching out to me about her noticeable absence on the FB page, I decided to have a lookie-loo.

The pointer-outers were correct! Because my baby's photo was not staged and retouched to the gods, it was not put on FB. I was a little annoyed by now because practically every other baby they featured got the double whammy.

Note: I did acrually ask them about it...no response. *shrugs*

I still can't be too mad. After all, they don't have an obligation to me. I bought the item and didn't really plan to review it. I literally needed it to make tasks easier, and it does.

It is still more than a little hypocritical that companies who swear they like real moms and want real influencers turn around and only interact with the opposite though. Specifically when those companies are owned BY MOMS. Like sheesh--you are working the "regular mom finding a solution" handle to hock your goods AND you happily accept regular dollars...be upfront with your tactics so we can decide if we want to play the social media game with you.

But I still wont be buying followers, staging unnaturally perfect photo ops, or going full pretendo for reviews.

You're still stuck with legit me! *chuckles*