Surprising Truth: Mommy Tribe

Namasté!

One of the most important things we as moms need, is a tribe. Not just a clique or a few passing buddies--a tribe is deeper than that. A tribe is chosen family. They're our people.

The surprising truth?

You won't find your true tribe when your babies are new and tiny.

Sure, there's camaraderie. There's solidarity. There's a bond you develop as you endure sleepless nights, Wonder Weeks, and milestones, especially in the first weeks and months.

But it's when the babies become toddlers and preschoolers that you really see with whom you've got common chops.

See, babies are generally easy, unjust every baby needs the same thing. Regardless of a family's beliefs or value system, babies only need warmth, food, and security. As a parent to a new baby, you are the student: the baby is teaching you.

When the roles reverse and the baby becomes the student, is when you likely notice a shift in your circle.

Toddlers need--in addition to food, warmth, and security--structure. Discipline. Routine! This is also where their food is different; there isn't really breast or bottle anymore, but homemade versus processed and organic versus not. Structured day or free range. Day care or home care.

(Whether we participate or not, the Parentscape is fraught with comparisons at practically every turn.)

What will end up making or breaking your tribe?

Belief systems.

People naturally mesh with others who hold similar values and morals, those who believe something similar! It's how we build communities and how we suss out who to embrace versus who to keep at an arm's length.

For example, Hubby and I are very heavily into philanthropy and just trying to not be part of the reason the world is in such sad shape. We don't align with any particular school of thought other than doing as much good as we can, as often as we can. We have been granted a very good life, with which comes the responsibility pf paying that good forward.

As such, we don't mesh particularly well with the more...hedonistic, me-me-me types.

Forming my mommy tribe seemed like it would be easy at first. I wanted some nice mommies (scratch that--I wanted a squad of honest mommies who were nice to me!) to just chew the proverbial fat with sometimes.

Trial and error.

When Brother Bear was little it all seemed pretty easy. We had gotten our house and everything was on the upswing. But between the election (yes, I have ended friendships over that and NO I don't care why you think that's a bad thing. I think it's a bad thing to hang around people who don't think you should have the same rights as they. And don't get me started on racism--I'll be here all day.)

As Brother Bear grew up I realized perhaps my circle might need tweaking. I wanted him around people who celebrate positivity but also honesty! I wanted to have a group of friends who were just like us. Not identical in economic status or even nationality. I just wanted to present a group of friends (or even just one or two) who understood that the world we live in cannot simply be prayed over, and that self care has to be more than flower crown selfies and expensive manicures. 

I wanted grit. Genuine.

I found it...but it wasn't in the cupboard I expected.

So as you navigate the early days of mommy'ing and daddy'ing, don't feel too upset if your tribe seems evasive or un-find-able. It's there...it just isn't at the early part of the game.